What makes a relationship last?

[misa.j]

There are different shapes of a relationship as many as people. Finding the right person is very difficult, but having a relationship last for a long time seems as hard or even harder.

I would like to hear your opinions about this since I am still learning a lot about relationships.
I have made a poll for you to choose what you think makes a relationship last. I kept it anonymous, and if you wish to only vote on the poll and not to post, that's totally fine.

[Frank D. White]

I think I would pick HONOR(duty/commintment). When I put my name on the marriage certificate and said the vows I felt it and ment it. In every marriage there are bad times, hard times, times of temptation. I think you OWE it to your partner to give your all to make the marriage and continued love work. Sharing a lifetime with the same person CAN work and has big rewards later in life as you grow old togeather. It seems today, people are ready to call it quits way to quickly & easily, even when young kids are involved.
Now I know the thred has to do with long term relationships, not just marriage, but I feel that piece of paper is important in making things last. I'm just "old school" I guess.

Frank

[Elizabeth]

I would say basically just having a good time together, whether through conversation or activities or whatever is most agreeable and fun for both of you. You definately have to care about the person, respect their privacy
and be able to communicate well....unless the standard for staying together is simply a married couple that isn't divorced.

[misa.j]

Thanks both of you for your opinions. I realize that my poll options are neither very adequate nor on the target. I appreciate how you helped to go a little deeper.

It seems today, people are ready to call it quits way to quickly & easily, even when young kids are involved.

Yeah, that is one of the reasons I wanted to start this thread. I wanted to see what the members here think was important for a relationship to last.

[mad pierrot]

And lots of it.

I'm of the opinion that what really makes a relationship is NOT the happy times you share with someone. Everyone is easy to get along with when they're happy. It's the HARD times that define just how close you are with someone.

The single most important thing in keeping a relationship together is

patience.

[misa.j]

mad p, you are only 24, but you sound like 50 years old.

Very thoughtful. One of the most important things I'd forgotten to have on my poll...

[Elizabeth]

It does take patience and effort and commitment, certainly, especially in forging a long-distance or cross-cultural relationship, it's just that having a positive or uplifting attitude and simply being with the person make it seem less like hard work -- at least in my case we talk about difficult or painful subjects without dwelling on them. It comes down to finding a good balance I suppose.

[mad pierrot]

Cheers to that!

[Dutch Baka]

Always say : Yes my love

[Duo]

mutual goals and deep affection/attraction and commitment

[Tsuyoiko]

I would say same values and compromise. I think the reason so many relationships fail is that people are not prepared to compromise. We are living in a time when we are brainwashed into thinking 'you can have what you want'. There are adverts for loans on TV all the time, we see celebrities doing what they want and making millions, people are far more socially mobile, and if you don't want to work you can get benefits. Parents are working and buying their children off instead of spending time with them. All these situations send the message that to be happy you have to get what you want. So when a relationship is not exactly as you would wish, ditch it. When two people are together, you are not going to agree on everything. But you have a good chance at success if you agree on the important things and can compromise on everything else.

[Elizabeth]

There are different shapes of a relationship as many as people. Finding the right person is very difficult, but having a relationship last for a long time seems as hard or even harder.

I would like to hear your opinions about this since I am still learning a lot about relationships.
I have made a poll for you to choose what you think makes a relationship last. I kept it anonymous, and if you wish to only vote on the poll and not to post, that's totally fine.

I'm curious now what you think about any cultural differences after reading this, Misa (or anyone), besides the uniqueness of each couple and the impossibility of making generalizations.

My observations would be that many Japanese/J-American couples I know are unhappily married and only staying together for the sake of the children (that divorce is worse than parents arguing all the time must be a stronger idea in other cultures) or out of fear of loneliness. Of course any place with a low divorce rate that must be common, and not really related to the intent of the original question....

[misa.j]

That's a very good question Elizabeth, and your observation on people who choose to stay married out of fear of lonliness and a bad reputaion cause by a divorce especially in Japan.

In my relationship with my husband, cultural differences never seem to come between us. The reason for that might be because I don't have a strong cultural background.
I am very happy where I am.

[misa.j]

In my opinion, cultural differences are not much of huge obstacles for a couple to live with as long as you are willing to adjust to whatever the environment you are in.
That requires a couple having same values and are able to compromise, like Tsuyoiko said, although I personally don't think that I had to give up anything for my marriage.

I've known some couples whom I can learn a lot from, who have lived and are going to live with a serious problem. What makes their relationships so strong is a mystery, and I think they only know.

One involves alcholism and the other with a disease almost uncurable; both of them had children, so you would think it to be for the family, but it can't be only that since they are still together after the children are grown.


I am also curious how couples in a long distance relationship cope with their needs...

[Tsuyoiko]

In my opinion, cultural differences are not much of huge obstacles for a couple to live with as long as you are willing to adjust to whatever the environment you are in.

I agree with you. Although my husband and I are both from the same area, our family backgrounds are very different. His family are very 'working class' and materialistic, my family are more 'middle class' and idealistic. For some reason Simon is different from the rest of his family - he is more like my dad than his own father. One of the compromises I have to make is spending time with his family, as I have very little in common with any of them.

[Elizabeth]

I am also curious how couples in a long distance relationship cope with their needs...

It is a process of adjustment (usually on the Western side, though) and very importantly I think meeting someone who is needs a certain psychological distance, the type who holds back even very important things from their past and can manage with contact maybe once or twice a week + frequent visits.

In terms of values, most Americans I'm sure would never be able to understand either the high level of pragmatic, materialistic sensibility among Japanese or their extremely strong regard for other people and relationships...so this may be easily misunderstood but the guy I'm with now I'd say is typically Japanese in his role on the outside with an inwardly very sensitive and thoughtful personality. Which also also takes a very, very long time to feel close to.

Those two things sometimes clash and become unpredictable but if with determination from both sides and if neither of you are overly romantic or passionate....I think there is a strong possiblity it will work.

[Maciamo]

I'm of the opinion that what really makes a relationship is NOT the happy times you share with someone. Everyone is easy to get along with when they're happy. It's the HARD times that define just how close you are with someone.

The single most important thing in keeping a relationship together is
patience.

I totally agree with that. Especially for men as many women have emotional ups and downs and can get angry for no reason and nothing can appease that until the hormones go back to normal. That's where the "private space" part becomes important. It may be a good thing to always have a spare room as far away as possible from the common living room in these periods (no pun intended).

Naturally, having things to do together (travel, movies, restaurant...) is also necessary in a long-term relationship.

[Maciamo]

Always say : Yes my love

Not as long as it comes to shopping !

[Maciamo]

I would say same values and compromise.

I don't quite understand what you mean by "same values" as we can have values about lots of things, many of which don't really matter. For example, my wife does not understand my philosophical or political values, because she is not interested in these fields. But does it matter for the relationship ?

She is very materialistic, while I am very idealistic. This causes more problems, but I understand her well enough to cope with it (I don't need her to understand me, that would be almost impossible, and I don't mind too much). But we have a similar lifestyles and similar tastes for things we can do in common (yet very different interests for reading, or individual hobbies, but it doesn't matter).

For what exactly do you mean by common values ?

[Tsuyoiko]

I don't quite understand what you mean by "same values" as we can have values about lots of things, many of which don't really matter. For example, my wife does not understand my philosophical or political values, because she is not interested in these fields. But does it matter for the relationship ?

She is very materialistic, while I am very idealistic. This causes more problems, but I understand her well enough to cope with it (I don't need her to understand me, that would be almost impossible, and I don't mind too much). But we have a similar lifestyles and similar tastes for things we can do in common (yet very different interests for reading, or individual hobbies, but it doesn't matter).

For what exactly do you mean by common values ?

My husband and I share the same political views, our spiritual views are compatible and we agree on how to manage our finances. We are both solitary, but we enjoy the same films and like to visit the same sorts of places, so there is plenty we can enjoy together. We have different tastes in reading, but we both love to read. The differences are in the way we behave - Simon is very outspoken and confrontational, whereas I prefer to avoid conflict most of the time.

I think your situation shows the important of compromise. I suppose what I mean is that successful couples need to have the same values in things that are crucially important for them, and to be able to compromise on the things that are not so important - and obviously the important things will be different for different people. Some of the differences you mention between yourself and your wife are in my 'important things', so I would not be able to cope as well as you.

[misa.j]

Those two things sometimes clash and become unpredictable but if with determination from both sides and if neither of you are overly romantic or passionate....I think there is a strong possiblity it will work.

It does require much more effort to fully understand a person and what is going on in their mind if you are apart from him. Especially if the person is a Japanese man who is not as expressive as you are.
I sometimes think that only determination is what you need in many situations, and having your own goal helps to have a positive outcome in a long distant relationship.

Especially for men as many women have emotional ups and downs and can get angry for no reason and nothing can appease that until the hormones go back to normal.

Yeah, yeah. It just happens to a lot of women, I guess...
I am over with it after being told so openly everytime it happened.

It also helps one of them stays cool when there is an argument, but many couples who fail freak out at the same time.

[Dutch Baka]

Not as long as it comes to shopping !

just dont give her the credit card, and everything will be fine!!! a 50-100 bucks a week would be fine though

[Elizabeth]

It does require much more effort to fully understand a person and what is going on in their mind if you are apart from him. Especially if the person is a Japanese man who is not as expressive as you are.
I sometimes think that only determination is what you need in many situations, and having your own goal helps to have a positive outcome in a long distant relationship.

It feels impossible sometimes. Thanks so much for understanding. He doesn't like to talk over the phone when something is bothering him, so it's only those times that I'm there when things can open up a little but it isn't exactly natural either to put all your emotional energy into those few hours and days.....and then there's the language barrier....although I can't complain too much on that front since my Japanese is finally improving.

As far as the importance of common interests, values, or personalities, it's more similar interests/hobbies (learning languages, music, nature, current events) and like personalities (although he's a little less serious and more assertive) that are the strongest attractors -- values are also a factor, they're just very difficult to express and draw out with the majority of Japanese people. It isn't in the everyday vocabulary, so to speak.

[Maciamo]

just dont give her the credit card, and everything will be fine!!! a 50-100 bucks a week would be fine though

Haha, I see your girl doesn't shop in Ginza.

[Tsuyoiko]

How come you guys think it's up to you what money a girl spends? You bunch of chauvinists!