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Tsuyoiko
14-10-05, 12:10
Who has seen Sabro's comments in the 'Share the Glory of God' thread about his son seeing some unsuitable websites? This got me thinking. How should parents (or teachers) control what their children do? I don't have kids, so I can only comment on how my parents were with me, and how I felt when I worked with kids for nearly 10 years.

My feeling is that education and trust are better than control. My parents always tried to explain the reasons why they didn't want me to do stuff, then trusted me to understand rather than try to stop me from doing things. If I went ahead and did them anyway (which happened rarely) I was punished. I think this helped me to learn to take responsibility for my actions.

When I worked in the school library, and in the college where I work now, there is software on the computers to block certain types of websites. I don't think this is the best way of dealing with it. I believe in telling children what is inappropriate, trusting them, then punishing them if they betray that trust. I think preventing children from doing stuff hampers their ability to learn right from wrong. When they get older and there is no-one there to prevent them, how will they know if they are doing wrong?

Duo
14-10-05, 12:14
fully agree with you.... there is no way we can control kids today 100%
it is better to empower them with education and logic and the other necessary tools and well hope that it works.

Kinsao
14-10-05, 12:28
My feeling is that education and trust are better than control. My parents always tried to explain the reasons why they didn't want me to do stuff, then trusted me to understand rather than try to stop me from doing things.

I totally agree with that. :cool:

My parents acted in a similar way. They treated me like a normal human being who was capable of understanding logical reasoning.

I found, as I was growing up, that I respected my parents even if I didn't always agree with them, and therefore (although of course I would often argue with them - they always said that my middle name should be "argumentative", hehe!) I generally wanted to avoid causing them much real hurt.

I think I respected my parents because they respected me. They didn't take vigorous and irrational dislikes to my clothes, music, hairstyles, room decoration, friends, boyfriends or hobbies. Like any young person I'd do stuff I knew my parents didn't want and that would make them angry or upset, but that's only a normal part of growing up and thinking for yourself - naturally you don't share your parents' views on everything!

The only down side was that it was really difficult to rebel against them. I had to raise out-and-out hell to get them properly mad! :blush:

Mars Man
19-10-05, 10:23
I am in line with Tsuyoiko's, Duo's, and Kinsao's thinking here. . . and believe you me, it is a rough job to raise those little-becoming-bigger-and-bigger people. 'Trust' was a big thing pointed out in the book 'The Seven Habits' book (I'm just not good at remembering titles, be it a song or a book; sorry, I hope you can get it--but I'll check and put it here later>> ) I have always tried to build the relationship I have with our kids as one of a person to another person, a friend to a friend. I have not always had the results hoped for, but I can say that time is seemingly showing me that it will pay off in the end.

My elder sister was an exception amongst us kids; skipped a grade in highschool scholastically, first married at 18 after running away from home for some two weeks or so, went through a courtcase getting some $27,000 which I and her following two live-ins helped spend (she'd already divorced the first husband) became a CPA (scoring in the top 10% nationwide). . .
She gave my parents the kind of stuff that those of us who are, dread of having to face in our nighmares, much less experience. But, and with all due respect to my loving mother and father, I can't help but feel that much of that was caused by the lack of trust and friendship that they somehow couldn't seem to grasp--maybe we could say the old-school-like idea of 'silence is golden' attitude had been heavy in the air. I would strongly advise against such a model.

For a parent to put themselves in their children's shoes, as a single human being, with all that that would entail, is a feat, indeed, but one which must be sought for, I would say.

Sensuikan San
20-10-05, 04:35
May I "join the club?"

I heartily agree with all the previous posters on this one. Managed to raise just one of these young so-and-so's ... and have had far less problems than many who were much less liberal than the wife and myself.

Trust, understanding and information ... all are keywords in this discussion.

Many kids are simply underestimated by their parents when it comes to "understanding". It's quite simple; just take the time to explain why you have concern about certain issues. Most of the time ... they are more than capable of understanding, and take it in.

Tell 'em "they can't" ..... without explanation ..... and you have problems, brother!

But ... never appear to downplay that you're serious ... they don't appreciate being "talked down" to.

Why should they?

Excellent thread!

W

No-name
20-10-05, 05:00
I think trust and friendship are key. I also think you have to be rather clear and concise with what "we" believe is right and wrong. Is it wrong to be a sexual creature? To look at pictures and imagine? To masturbate? At what point is pornography unhealthy? Is this some occasional thing or a constant temptation? Does it open dangerous doors to behavior or individuals that can be harmful? I think I have to have a frank and honest discussion with the boy right away. In general I trust him and think he is a fine and upstanding young man with a wonderful and functional faith.

My only hesitation is the fact that porn can be addictive... oh and also I don't want to get a bill for it... and I don't want to get weird e-mail spam.

It seems rather normal and somewhat healthy to look at images of that nature at that age. (hey I looked at the anime sites from the history and wow, some people are rather creative.) It sems pretty harmless.

Also, as embarassing as this is...I hope he never ever see this... I really appreciate all the input.

Tsuyoiko
20-10-05, 20:24
You have a good point there Sabro! There have been a few times I have resisted entirely speaking my mind just in case 'someone' reads what I have said!

Doc
20-10-05, 22:00
I believe that by sitting down with your kids when they come to the age where sex, drugs, and various other vices are exploited by teens, and talking to them in a loving and concerned tone pays off in the end. By making your kids understand that you are concerned about their well being, and to help them understand the negative effects to their careless judgment on certain things let's you kids know that you love them, you want the best for them, and that you trust them to make the right decision. With love, trust, concern, education, and understanding your child will take those things into consideration before making a choice that they could later regret. Not only that, but it helps reinforce the understanding that you are willing to let your child make mistakes so that they learn from them, and help shape and reinforce the ethical concepts of right and wrong. I think by doing those things for a child during their adolescent years helps them build character, and helps them to become a better and ethical human being in society when they become an adult. At least that's how I feel about the issue.

Doc

Rastko Pocesta
29-04-11, 02:38
Child is an independent individual and no one, except the law enforcement officer, has right to control him in any way and if anyone does he or she shall be tried for breaking the child's privacy. When we say that human rights apply to everyone, there shall be no exceptions. All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.

Rastko Pocesta
29-04-11, 02:41
No one has the right to punish the other individual. The only legitimate punishment is the one delivered by the Court after individual is granted right of fair trial. Parent, or any other individual or institution, has the authority of the Court.

"Right and wrong" is the simplification. It is subjective what is right and what is wrong. Specify what are those "unsuitable websites." All websites are perfectly suitable. What does censorship reveal? It reveals fear.

LeBrok
29-04-11, 05:07
Do you have kids Rastko? How old are you?

Rastko Pocesta
30-04-11, 20:13
Do you have kids Rastko? How old are you?

I have no reason to share any of my personal information with you.

LeBrok
04-05-11, 02:31
I wouldn't mind if you don't share your personal/privet thoughts with us either.

Dorianfinder
11-08-11, 15:15
Control is a fallacy. Lead by example and try to understand what people want from you. Talking at children is overstated and a waste of their time. Be the change you want and if people don't want to be you then you need to get a life!

evelyncarter
10-07-14, 11:31
Yes it is true that nowadays we cannot control the students, may be because of the environment students change. it is better to empower them with education and logic and the other necessary tools and well hope that it works.

mglover
19-07-18, 13:44
Well its not always possible to find out if they are breaking your trust or not, best way that I found that if they are doing some thing and consequences are not life threatening or harm them physically in any way, I let them do it, face consequences and give me a handle to explain why that happened and how they could have prevented it. Most of the time they would learn by the consequences they face and when coupled with reprimand it becomes clearer to them.

Mayama
04-03-19, 14:11
Of course parents can`t make their children the prisoners. BUT! Some kids just need that control to become the decent people in the future. When your child doing everything she/he wants sometimes it`s very bad for him