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JoRuDeNnA
26-01-06, 00:29
Hey there Im writting a poem but each line is giving it a different meaning hehe dotn know why that always happens to me when Im writting something can you please give my your opinions and suggestions on it Onegai?? :-)

Please dont cry
Dont let sadness defeat you
There are more things to learn
There are more things to try

Life surely can be a mistery
So dont be scared of the past
Dont let the future leave you behind
And live the present as a gift of time

Every soul is like a small river
Its direction constantly changes
But soon they will reach the sea
And at that time they'll become one

Fight for your dreams and hopes
Defeat the monsters in your head
Never look behind with tears in your eyes
Smile because it happend
And look beyond the sky

Follow your heart beating
Breath the fresh air of every winter
Welcome lifes changing winds
Let every summer sun warm your skin

So please dont cry
Every spirit is a drop of rain
They will fall at different moments
But sooner or later they'll return to the sky
And at that time they'll become one

sorry for some grammatical or spelling errors :relief: (corrections accepted Thanks!!)

Rukia
15-02-06, 13:23
OMG!!..it's so great JoRuDeNnA-san!..hontou ni sugoiii!..u'r so talented..i like ur poem! :cool:
u showed a lot of beautiful imagries, and used great similes and metaphors!!..great job!
but i guess u should work more on the rhyming scheme!..i mean, u started in the first stanza with abca, which was really good!..but in the second and third stanza u didn't follow any rhyming pattern!! how about trying abab cdcd, or aabb ccdd, or abba cddc and so on!..but if u wanted to make it blank verse, so just ignore what i said plz!!..oh!..and in the third stanza, what does "they" refer to?!..i mean in "But soon they will reach the sea"..u started the second line with "its" referring to the river, right?!..but then u wrote "they"!!..do u mean the souls or the river?!..gomen i hope that isn't confusing! :relief:
it's a really good poem, JoRuDeNnA-san!..plz post more! :-)

Anchyyy
15-02-06, 20:46
i love your poem JoRuDeNnA. Especally that part with seeing the past with smile because it happened.

I guess she meant a lot of small rivers flowing to the sea (which connects them) are like soul that are becoming one after death :relief:

Mars Man
16-02-06, 08:09
Yes !! I do like that too. I could never have done that well in Spanish.

I would agree with Ruika about the rhyming matter. Perhaps a little less use of the word 'and' in the last lines would be good too.

There could be a pronoun problem in that 'it' .vs. 'they' in that 'each soul' leaves the idea as a singular, countable noun, and the word they--which was obviously intended to refer to the total of single souls is plural. Thus, before the word 'they' it may have been best to insert a specific plural noun to which 'they' could refer back to.

JoRuDeNnA
18-02-06, 03:59
Hey thanks so much for all your comments and sugestions1!!:wave: hahah I guess I must try to make it rhyme.....Ill correct some of it and post it again...I have another poem somewhere in my messedup computer but Ill try to find it....thanks anyway I really appreciated it!!!!!!!!:bow: :thankyou:
Anchyyy:
I guess she meant a lot of small rivers flowing to the sea (which connects them) are like soul that are becoming one after death
Thats exactly what I meant hahaha I guess the sentences sound kinda wierd??? hahaha but thats it thanks for explaning my point:p

Anchyyy
21-02-06, 14:35
It's not like every good song should ryhme. You can write a beautiful, deep song without a ryhme too :p
[QUOTE=JoRuDeNnA]
Thats exactly what I meant hahaha I guess the sentences sound kinda wierd??? hahaha but thats it thanks for explaning my point:p
They are not wierd :-) And... Np! :cool:

Beside that will you post more of your poems? :blush:

Kinsao
21-02-06, 15:38
I think it doesn't matter if it rhymes or not... it's a nice poem. :-)
Although maybe if you don't have rhyme, it's better not to have it in the first stanza, because it leads the reader to expect it...?...!

Mistery is spelled 'mystery'. And happend is 'happened'. :)

Third stanza, second line: it might make more sense to say "their directions constantly change", because you are talking about all the souls, aren't you?

Fifth stanza, second line: 'breath' should be 'breathe'. Confusing, I know, but 'breath' is a noun and 'breathe' is a verb! :mad:

Picky things, I know! :blush:

It's good poem, I can clearly understand what you are trying to put across (I think!), and I like the calm and optimistic tone. :cool:

JoRuDeNnA
21-02-06, 20:52
Mistery is spelled 'mystery'. And happend is 'happened'.

Third stanza, second line: it might make more sense to say "their directions constantly change", because you are talking about all the souls, aren't you?

Fifth stanza, second line: 'breath' should be 'breathe'. Confusing, I know, but 'breath' is a noun and 'breathe' is a verb!

Picky things, I know!

It's good poem, I can clearly understand what you are trying to put across (I think!), and I like the calm and optimistic tone.

:souka: OMG I need to practice some spelling and grammar :bluush: hahah thanks so much for the corrections as soon as I have time Ill correct it and later on Ill post other poems too.....its juts that I have a very very very important exam this thursday :kanashii: and my life really depends on it!!!

Kinsao
21-02-06, 23:32
Good luck in your exam! :hey: :cool:

Winter
25-02-06, 07:48
A little wordy.

Dig the last stanza, though.

JoRuDeNnA
25-02-06, 09:01
yay I passed my exam!!!! Im so excited...it was pretty difficult and I had to study 4 subjects in three days (anatomy, embryology, biochemistry and microbiology :buuh: )

Well I was a little bit afraid on posting this poem, its kinda depressing because I was having some love problems :( but finally decided to post it so here it is
The Saddest Night

Im feeling so lonely
Even if the room is full
I need somebody to treat me right
Someone that can bring me back to life

My world is empty and cold
My heart is freezing while my spirit dies
Is there light beneath the darkness?
Is there still hope for the lost souls?

I used to believe in life and love
Now there are only empty spaces and broken dreams
Now I feel this is my last night on earth
A night without stars, full of darkness and cruel lies

This life without a single light in an endless tunnel
A life with false smiles and silent tears
When there are only suffocated voices and sorrow
Its hard to find courage to hold on

Cold winds are hurting my body
Dark angels are painting my heart
Loneliness is still flowing through my veins
It seems the saddest night in a long time

You have let me down too many times
You promised me to be always by my side
But those were nothing more than lies
Being loved is now a wish from my past

Love is supposed to give you life
Instead, as a razorblade it cuts my heart
Theres no mercy, no compassion, just pain
And it is making me drown in sadness

The love I though I could share with you
Has now vanished in cold emptiness
The happiness I though I could find
Has now become uncertain feelings

I needed you to hold me close to your heart
To love me, to lead my way
I needed you to keep me safe
From the ghosts in my head

This pain seems like an eternity
My world is being flattered again and again
My breath is weak, my heart is breaking
And I will finally become to ashes.

Anchyyy
25-02-06, 16:01
First congratulations on passing the exam!! :flower: :confetti:

The Saddest Night is beautiful. I love it! So deep and... i feel like that many times too. ''The love I though I could share with you, Has now vanished in cold emptiness'' that's my favourite line, dunno why but it is :haihai:

'My heart is freezing while my spirit dies' shouldn't it be ''My heart is freezing while my spirit is dieing'' :? Anyway I'm not sure about it. :worried:

Kinsao
25-02-06, 22:12
:bawling:
It's really sad!
But it's a good poem, though! Very moving.

Ah, regarding English, 'My heart is freezing while my spirit dies' is fine. :-)
'You promised me to be always by my side' -- might read better as just 'You promised to be always by my side'... just something about the rhythm, but the first way is OK, too. :relief:

In the last stanza I think you mean 'flattened' - probably a typo. :p
Also, it's correct to say 'become ashes' instead of 'become to ashes'.

Hope that helps. :blush:

JoRuDeNnA
01-03-06, 04:12
Yay thanks!!! here it is a changed it....I hope it sounds better this time :blush: I have others, but they are in spanish...maybe I can try to translate them but Im not quite sure if they will sound right, because that's the reason I wrote this ones in english.....thet sound better :-)

The Saddest Night
Im feeling so lonely
Even if the room is full
I need somebody to treat me right
Someone that can bring me back to life

My world is empty and cold
My heart is freezing while my spirit dies
Is there light beneath the darkness?
Is there still hope for the lost souls?

I used to believe in life and love
Now there are only empty spaces and broken dreams
Now I feel this is my last night on earth
A night without stars, full of darkness and cruel lies

This life without a single light in an endless tunnel
A life with false smiles and silent tears
When there are only suffocated voices and sorrow
Its hard to find courage to hold on

Cold winds are hurting my body
Dark angels are painting my heart
Loneliness is still flowing through my veins
It seems the saddest night in a long time

You have let me down too many times
You promised to be always by my side
But those were nothing more than lies
Being loved is now a wish from my past

Love is supposed to give you life
Instead, as a razorblade it cuts my heart
Theres no mercy, no compassion, just pain
And it is making me drown in sadness

The love I though I could share with you
Has now vanished in cold emptiness
The happiness I though I could find
Has now become uncertain feelings

I needed you to hold me close to your heart
To love me, to lead my way
I needed you to keep me safe
From the ghosts in my head

This pain seems like an eternity
My world is being flattened again and again
My breath is weak, my heart is breaking
And I will finally become ashes.

Mitsuo
01-03-06, 05:44
Wow Joru! you are very talented! Keep em coming, k?