I don’t think I agree with this article. Praising children for being smart is integral to how they will perceive themselves as they get older. While overpraising them may cause issues, such as narcissism (too little praise will create this disorder as well); you need to give credit where credit is due. But I think parents should give them a little special treatment. It’s not like there’s any short supply of people in this life that will harshly, or unfairly judge you. At the very least, a person’s parents should serve as a personal refuge from the cruelty of society. Not to say that they should coddle them. But anecdotally, people that I know who have cold parental upbringing are usually troubled individuals with low self-esteem. While people that I know who had more nurturing parents, were more confident and assertive personalities. I think school, work, and social-interactions will serve as a way to balance out reality for children.
I don’t think their experiment necessarily proves anything. Especially when you consider all of the other factors in life that would have affected the mentality of these children.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ulterior-motives/201801/the-type-praise-you-give-matters
I agree. Parents who never praise may get children who try very hard to achieve so they will earn that praise, but it has a negative emotional impact, imo.
When parents praise too much and indiscriminately it seems to me that they create children who are entitled, narcissistic, and who have an extremely unrealistic view of themselves. So much of this has been done in schools, along with doing away with things like grades, or academic rewards, that there's a danger that a whole generation of people like this are being created. I thought it was a terrible idea that all through elementary school every single child on sports teams got a trophy. Sooner or later you have to realize that there are people more gifted than you are.
I noticed the results especially at work when I was responsible for hiring younger people. Many of them had no interest in starting low on the totem pole, or taking direction, and they reacted very negatively to criticism. I have no patience or tolerance for any of the above, so they usually didn't last very long. We had an office that skewed old, as a result, and, I have to admit, female, because young men seem to be even more prone to this kind of ego-mania than young women.
I think the most important thing is to be loving and affirmative, but at the same time honest. It's a difficult line to walk, as I know very well, but it's important. No, your child is not "special" in every way, although they may be special to you. You know if a child has an extraordinary ability. Not every child who is good at tennis is going to be a superstar. Effort is not enough. You have to have talent for a lot of things, from music, to sports, to academics. At the same time you don't want to be the kind of laissez-faire parent who doesn't instill a work ethic and some ambition in your children. If you know they have some talent at something, you should encourage them to pursue it, and you should without a doubt encourage them to work hard at everything they do.
All of this is far easier said than done, of course.
It's easier, frankly, when you're working from a religious framework, even if you're not really a believer yourself. If I told my children once, I told them a thousand times that the only thing that was truly important to me was that they grow up to be loving, compassionate, honest, good people who tried to do the best they could in any situation.I was dead serious and being absolutely honest with them. I reinforced that through their religious training. God won't give you points if you become a CEO of a major company who got there dishonestly, ruthlessly, and with no concern for employees or consumers. Sometimes it was a little less preachy and a bit humorous. I used to repeat a Catholic school mantra for when too much ego was displayed: You're only great if you're great in the eyes of God.
I also told them lots of stories about their nonno, who to me epitomized integrity and a hard work ethic. When my Dad arrived here in America, the only job he could get was working construction. The owner wouldn't hire union labor, and took kick backs from his own workers to keep them on the pay roll year long. Once we happened to drive by this man's McMansion type home. I mentioned how huge it was, and that's when he told me about him. He also said something I never forgot. He said something to the effect that a man has to shave himself every morning, and if he had ever treated his employees like that he would never have been able to look himself in the eye while doing so. No, he didn't become a multi-millionaire, but then he came here at 35 without knowing a word of English. He became very successful, regardless, and without compromising his integrity. It can be done.
