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Up to 27% of men succumb to being pressured by women into unwanted sex on college campuses:
https://sci-hub.tw/https://academic...093/sf/sox066/4555229?redirectedFrom=fulltext
https://academic.oup.com/sf/advance...093/sf/sox066/4555229?redirectedFrom=fulltext
https://theconversation.com/what-about-young-men-who-are-having-unwanted-sex-88677
"Going with the Flow": How College Men's Experiences of Unwanted Sex Are Produced by Gendered Interactional Pressures
Jessie V Ford
Published: 17 October 2017
Abstract
While scholars are giving greater attention than previously to sexual assault against women, they have ignored the fact that men report unwanted sex as well. This article examines thirty-nine heterosexual men's narratives about their experience of unwanted sex in college. My analysis of these data shows how unwanted sex with women is interactionally produced through a process where men seek to save face and to make sense to others. Unwanted sex relates not only to interactional processes, but also to the content of what is considered acceptable behavior in heterosexual interactions. That is, cultural norms governing gender provide the content for what allows a man to save face and for his actions to make sense to a female partner. In particular, men consent to unwanted sex because accepting all opportunities for sexual activity is a widely accepted way to perform masculinity. Findings also show that men conduct their sex lives in the shadow of presumed gendered reputational consequences. They fear ridicule if stories are told portraying them as the kind of man who does not jump at any opportunity for sex with an attractive woman. Moreover, it seems that women, as arbitrators of men's sense of self, may play an important role in policing masculinity and upholding gender expectations, at least in undergraduate sexual cultures. Amidst current attention to sexual assault on college campuses, I argue for a closer look at the importance of interaction and the implicit gendered rules of what is considered acceptable and masculine in heterosexual interaction. (...)
Depending on how survey questions are phrased, somewhere between 7 percent and 27 percent of heterosexual men report an unwanted sexual incident during college (DiJulio et al. 2015; Flack et al. 2007; Ford and Soto-Marquez 2016; Peterson et al. 2011). (...)
In accounts of unwanted sex, heterosexual men frequently describe women using verbal or psychological pressure. (...) turning down a sexual opportunity may make a man lose face precisely because he is a man (Gagnon and Simon 2011; Pascoe 2011).
(...)
Notable throughout my interviews were the ways men accounted for unwanted sex as something necessary to avoid a problematic interaction. Men gave different reasons for having unwanted sex -
some men emphasized not wanting to confuse or hurt women while other men emphasized what others might think of them. Nearly all men, however, explained that being face-to-face with a woman who wanted to have sex created a situation that had to be addressed. Having unwanted sex was one way to manage such a situation. By describing unwanted sex as something that happens to manage the interaction, the men provide insight into the importance of interactional processes during sex:
You said you felt pressure to keep going?
Definitely.
Was that from her?
Yeah. I kinda felt.... But it was me too, based on the situation. Felt like I had
to go all the way. It was just necessary.
Necessary?
Yeah.
Why not stop it?
It would have felt weird to me. I can’t see myself.... I don’t know. I wouldn’t have done that.
–Jeff, twenty-five-year-old senior
(...)
When describing sex, male respondents did not talk about uncontrollable biological urges or powerful female seductresses so much as they described a normative commitment to keep the interaction going smoothly:
What if you’d stopped it?
Yeah. She might think I was a little strange.
Strange?
Like she got rejected…. I think she would feel weird or surprised.
(...)
Markedly, the men I interviewed often had a good idea of what they wanted to happen sexually during interactions. For example, some men only wanted the interaction to involve kissing, touching, or oral sex. Other men became aware that they did not want to have intercourse but were unsure how to direct an inprogress sexual encounter to achieve this goal.
(...)
Across interviews, two main interactional processes—saving face and making
sense—were common features of unwanted sexual experiences. Some men had
unwanted sex to save face in an encounter that was becoming uncomfortable.
Other men had unwanted sex because it made sense to do so in a progressing
sexual encounter. For twenty-one-year-old Adam, it was a case of the former.
Unwanted sex began unfolding after a party. During this party, he kissed a
woman who continued to “hang out” after the party had ended. At this point, it
was late at night, and he recalled being tired, somewhat drunk, and ready to
clean up after the party. In Adam’s account, he initially tried to avoid this
woman by going downstairs to his room. She proceeded to follow him downstairs.
Next Adam told her that the “party is over” and “everyone’s left.” In
both of these gestures, Adam attempted to strategically, and perhaps politely,
end the interaction. He recalled, “She just wouldn’t leave.” Adam did not want
to have sex because he was currently interested in another woman. He was also
tired from hosting, and it was late.
Their interaction became “generally uncomfortable,” in Adam’s words, as she
continued to stay. She eventually started kissing him. She told him out loud that
she “really wants to have sex.” Adam calculated his options, then made a conscious
decision to “go through with it” rather than stopping the interaction. When
I asked him why he did not more overtly ask her to leave, Adam said, “I could
have told her to leave, but I didn’t. Because, I guess I didn’t want to be rude. Yeah.
I’m not very confrontational. I can’t imagine telling her to her face I want her to
leave. That would have been harder for me to do [laughs] than going through with
it and possibly damaging her. It’s kinda shitty when I think about it.” Asking her
to leave would have been harder than having sex with her. He thought this despite
his worry that he may have hurt her feelings by not contacting her afterward. I
argue that Adam went through with unwanted sex because of expectations embedded
in that interaction. He could not imagine asking her to leave or explaining that
he did not want to have sex—which might cause them both to lose face—so he
had sex to smooth the interaction.
(...)
On my paper questionnaire, Adam checked the item indicating he had sex he
“did not want” because “someone verbally pressured” him. He describes the sex
that night as “unsatisfying, “impersonal,” and “meaningless.” He says, “I mean
I even faked an orgasm. That was a first. I didn’t think guys ever had to do
that…. Even physically, like it just wasn’t, it didn’t feel good enough to make me
climax. There was just like nothing there for me.” It appears that to smooth the
interaction, Adam feigned the most polite exit of all: a proper climax. This
served to save face for Adam and his partner. By doing this, he ended the sex in
an acceptable way—an action in line with traditional sexual scripts, which dictate
that sex ends with male climax (Gagnon and Simon 2011).
(...)
The Role of Gender in Interaction
As the accounts above imply, men frequently drew upon gender expectations and hegemonic ideals of masculinity as an explanation for unwanted sex. These included expectations for men to want sex, to always be ready for it, and to amass sexual experiences with attractive women. In my sample, men described having unwanted sex to project an image, to keep up a reputation, and to take advantage of a sexual opportunity. Men worried that disrupting an encounter could result in them being viewed as a “pussy,” “virgin,” “jerk,” or someone who is “gay.” It is notable here that these terms are very different from the kinds of terms (i.e., “tease,” “prude”) applied to women who say no to sex.
(...)
For nineteen-year-old Max, unwanted sex unfolded as he left a party. He was leaving at the same time as a female friend from his dorm, so they left together.
Max explained, “I did not want to do this [sex]. Not at all. She was a really nice girl. But I didn’t think she was that hot. I’d say she’s really attractive…. But it just wasn’t that type of relationship…. It was more like a sister relationship. I never had a sister, but like I would give her advice and stuff, apply for things together. So it was...yeah...I dunno, just that.” Contrary to the stereotype that men want sex from women whenever they can get it, Max explained that he was happy with their relationship as friends. Although Max described her as not “that hot,” he told me she was objectively “pretty cute” (...) In the elevator back at the dorm, she began kissing him. The encounter progressed into sex, which Max described as “physically forced” on my paper questionnaire.
You said you have had sex forced on you.... Was it this time?
Yeah, that was that time.
What do you mean?
I feel like it was just so many people that had been saying it [that he
should hook up with her] for so long that I was like this is not gonna
stop so I might as well. Then kind of just because she wanted it. I
couldn’t really shrug her off or something once she started kissing me in
the elevator. That would’ve been weird to me.
While Max referred to peer pressure and her feelings, he also explained that rejecting
her would be “weird.” When I probed further, Max explained that the
reason it would have been “weird” had to do with gender norms. He said,
“When a girl comes on to you, you’re just like ‘ok, I’ll accept this’
(...)
Studies of hegemonic masculinity and gender norms suggest that men are
often policed or nudged into behaving in certain ways (Pascoe 2011).
(...)
Importantly, these accounts from men also show that men seem believe that
women’s reports will be credible to other men and women. This implies that women’s
interpretations of events have consequences for men’s sense of self. If it is
critical that men perform masculinity respectably, even in private dyadic contexts,
this underscores women’s role in policing masculinity and in upholding
gender expectations.
It’s hard for men to say no?
Yeah. It’s uncomfortable.
How is it uncomfortable?
Because first I don’t really like to make people feel bad about themselves.
Also there is this social pressure that men like sex a lot and women can
choose yes or no. So I guess it makes you unmanly if you don’t want to
have sex. Maybe, probably. Unconsciously honestly. I was not thinking
that at the time. Yeah, looking at it, maybe that’s one reason.
–Greg, twenty-year-old sophomore
Greg articulated how gendered content worked jointly with interactional processes
to facilitate unwanted sex. For Greg, saying no to sex was uncomfortable.
In a generic (nongendered) sense, it could make someone “feel bad” if you
turned down their invitation. She could lose face; he could lose face, and this
action might not make sense. Next, gendered content is layered onto generic
interactional pressures such that turning down sex becomes “unmanly.”
Women, in particular, may “feel bad” if their sexual invitation is rejected, due to
sexual double standards. In the context of gender norms and hegemonic notions
of masculinity, interactional processes push men toward unwanted sex. With
these pressures combined, some men have unwanted sex.
(...)
Andy—who views sex as something special to be done with serious girlfriends—
avoided sex by being more direct. However, he chooses his timing carefully:
I’ll straight up say, “There’s something you should know. We’re not
gonna have sex tonight.” I’m not gonna wait until they try to do it and
be like “no” because then if you say it in the moment then they feel bad,
like “oh god I’m sorry,” or upset. I don’t want it to be a surprise really.
But in the end it is a bit of a surprise because they were expecting it in
the first place. I guess in most cases I did want to be with them, but just
not intercourse.
So, you think it’s a surprise?
They’re definitely a little surprised by it that a 20-year-old guy is turning
away sex, but I feel like I would rather surprise them as little as possible
with that.
(...)
Connor successfully avoided an unwanted sexual encounter with this woman by
telling her to stop and physically removing her from his lap. He succeeded by
“resort[ing] to physical force.” Connor explained that sex with someone more
“drunk” is not desirable because he could get in trouble and it is not right. This
came up frequently in interviews. Given the emphasis on sexual assault on campus,
men were wary of sexual advances from women who appeared intoxicated.
Therefore, one credible way to avoid unwanted sex was by acknowledging that
she was intoxicated.5
(...)
Finally, unwanted sex could also be avoided when an interaction was interrupted
abruptly. For example, Luke did not want to have sex with a woman but
ended up having it anyway during a party. When they were interrupted midway
through, he was able to stop the sex.
(...)
Discussion
To understand how unwanted sex occurs for men, I argue that it is necessary to
understand the power of interactional expectations and how they are gendered. (...)
Men’s accounts showed that, sometimes, interactional dynamics only pushed toward unwanted sex
because gender norms informed the content of (1) how men were expected to act;
(2) what men were expected to want; and (3) what actions might make men lose
face with their partner or others. For example, men feared being made fun of by
others and considered a “wuss” if they turned down a sexual opportunity.
Therefore, I argue that some of what occurs to produce unwanted sex for men can
be explained by gender-neutral theories of interaction, but much of what occurs
cannot because what saves face or is expected depends on a person’s gender.
As reviewed above, Goffman posits that general social rules constitute what
he calls the communicative morality of interactions. My findings here provide
evidence supporting an idea of Goffman’s—one that is often overlooked—that
communicative morality cannot work without being overlaid with the normative
(Goffman 1983). That is, communicative morality inevitably implies a
more substantive morality, which in this case is informed by gender norms.
What college men’s accounts of unwanted sex make clear is that gender tends
to attach itself to substantive morality so that the rules of interaction are gendered
in important ways.
The discovery that men sometimes have sex because they fear what women will
think of them informs our understanding of gender, power, and masculinity.
(...)
My findings suggest that women have more power than is otherwise understood because
women’s accounts have consequences for men’s sense of self. Findings also show that men
believe women’s reports of the interaction will be credible to others.
(...)
Although more research is needed, men’s accounts reveal a common perception that they had unwanted sex by their own volition. As a result, they did not frame these encounters as sexual assault and reported few traumatic effects.
My results have indirect implications for a debate in the literature on women’s
sexual victimization as to whether the men who commit assault are malicious or
confused. One side argues that men understand women’s refusals, but deliberately
force sex anyway (Lisak and Miller 2002; Sanday 1990). The other side
argues that men are young, drunk, and clueless, and that much sexual assault results
from miscommunication (Abbey et al. 2014; Tannen 1991). Against this
claim, Kitzinger and Frith (1999) provide evidence that men are able to read
social cues about refusal in other situations.
(...)
Conclusion
In this qualitative interview study, I have explored what it means for a man to have
unwanted sex and the processes by which it happens. My findings indicate that
with sex, as in other areas of life, as theorists argue, interaction proceeds by all parties
trying to accomplish normalcy. No one wants to lose face or to make no sense
to others when it comes to sex. What is striking is that, although these college
men’s experiences involve sex, which we sometimes assume to be a largely biologically
driven affair, these men report deploying the same tactics for the same reasons
that a person tries to keep the banter going when talking to someone at a dinner
party. People try to fulfill interactional expectations, even when the cost is high.
I find that gender-neutral processes of interactional smoothing, though important
to my analysis, were not sufficient to explain men’s accounts of unwanted
sex. At least in the context of heterosexuality, gender is also key to the expectations
and policing that men face. What allows a man to save face or make sense
is substantially informed by gender.
Moreover, men conduct their sex lives in the shadow of presumed gendered reputational consequences. They fear ridicule if stories are told portraying them as the kind of man who declines sex with an attractive woman.
While much research has been conducted on women, more research comparing
men and women is still needed to understand the gendered content of norms
in sexual contexts. For example, men claim that rejecting or avoiding sex is
“weird” or “strange.” Do women draw upon similar language, or are there differing
ways that women account for unwanted sex? Does the expectation that
men want sex more than women, and the existence of a double standard where
women may be judged more adversely for casual sex than men, give women
more freedom to stop events from leading to unwanted intercourse, such that
when they do have unwanted sex, more coercion has been involved? Further
comparative detailed accounts of women’s and men’s sexual experiences are
needed to increase our understanding of the gender of sexuality, and how it is
layered onto interactional processes."
https://sci-hub.tw/https://academic...093/sf/sox066/4555229?redirectedFrom=fulltext
https://academic.oup.com/sf/advance...093/sf/sox066/4555229?redirectedFrom=fulltext
https://theconversation.com/what-about-young-men-who-are-having-unwanted-sex-88677
"Going with the Flow": How College Men's Experiences of Unwanted Sex Are Produced by Gendered Interactional Pressures
Jessie V Ford
Published: 17 October 2017
Abstract
While scholars are giving greater attention than previously to sexual assault against women, they have ignored the fact that men report unwanted sex as well. This article examines thirty-nine heterosexual men's narratives about their experience of unwanted sex in college. My analysis of these data shows how unwanted sex with women is interactionally produced through a process where men seek to save face and to make sense to others. Unwanted sex relates not only to interactional processes, but also to the content of what is considered acceptable behavior in heterosexual interactions. That is, cultural norms governing gender provide the content for what allows a man to save face and for his actions to make sense to a female partner. In particular, men consent to unwanted sex because accepting all opportunities for sexual activity is a widely accepted way to perform masculinity. Findings also show that men conduct their sex lives in the shadow of presumed gendered reputational consequences. They fear ridicule if stories are told portraying them as the kind of man who does not jump at any opportunity for sex with an attractive woman. Moreover, it seems that women, as arbitrators of men's sense of self, may play an important role in policing masculinity and upholding gender expectations, at least in undergraduate sexual cultures. Amidst current attention to sexual assault on college campuses, I argue for a closer look at the importance of interaction and the implicit gendered rules of what is considered acceptable and masculine in heterosexual interaction. (...)
Depending on how survey questions are phrased, somewhere between 7 percent and 27 percent of heterosexual men report an unwanted sexual incident during college (DiJulio et al. 2015; Flack et al. 2007; Ford and Soto-Marquez 2016; Peterson et al. 2011). (...)
In accounts of unwanted sex, heterosexual men frequently describe women using verbal or psychological pressure. (...) turning down a sexual opportunity may make a man lose face precisely because he is a man (Gagnon and Simon 2011; Pascoe 2011).
(...)
Notable throughout my interviews were the ways men accounted for unwanted sex as something necessary to avoid a problematic interaction. Men gave different reasons for having unwanted sex -
some men emphasized not wanting to confuse or hurt women while other men emphasized what others might think of them. Nearly all men, however, explained that being face-to-face with a woman who wanted to have sex created a situation that had to be addressed. Having unwanted sex was one way to manage such a situation. By describing unwanted sex as something that happens to manage the interaction, the men provide insight into the importance of interactional processes during sex:
You said you felt pressure to keep going?
Definitely.
Was that from her?
Yeah. I kinda felt.... But it was me too, based on the situation. Felt like I had
to go all the way. It was just necessary.
Necessary?
Yeah.
Why not stop it?
It would have felt weird to me. I can’t see myself.... I don’t know. I wouldn’t have done that.
–Jeff, twenty-five-year-old senior
(...)
When describing sex, male respondents did not talk about uncontrollable biological urges or powerful female seductresses so much as they described a normative commitment to keep the interaction going smoothly:
What if you’d stopped it?
Yeah. She might think I was a little strange.
Strange?
Like she got rejected…. I think she would feel weird or surprised.
(...)
Markedly, the men I interviewed often had a good idea of what they wanted to happen sexually during interactions. For example, some men only wanted the interaction to involve kissing, touching, or oral sex. Other men became aware that they did not want to have intercourse but were unsure how to direct an inprogress sexual encounter to achieve this goal.
(...)
Across interviews, two main interactional processes—saving face and making
sense—were common features of unwanted sexual experiences. Some men had
unwanted sex to save face in an encounter that was becoming uncomfortable.
Other men had unwanted sex because it made sense to do so in a progressing
sexual encounter. For twenty-one-year-old Adam, it was a case of the former.
Unwanted sex began unfolding after a party. During this party, he kissed a
woman who continued to “hang out” after the party had ended. At this point, it
was late at night, and he recalled being tired, somewhat drunk, and ready to
clean up after the party. In Adam’s account, he initially tried to avoid this
woman by going downstairs to his room. She proceeded to follow him downstairs.
Next Adam told her that the “party is over” and “everyone’s left.” In
both of these gestures, Adam attempted to strategically, and perhaps politely,
end the interaction. He recalled, “She just wouldn’t leave.” Adam did not want
to have sex because he was currently interested in another woman. He was also
tired from hosting, and it was late.
Their interaction became “generally uncomfortable,” in Adam’s words, as she
continued to stay. She eventually started kissing him. She told him out loud that
she “really wants to have sex.” Adam calculated his options, then made a conscious
decision to “go through with it” rather than stopping the interaction. When
I asked him why he did not more overtly ask her to leave, Adam said, “I could
have told her to leave, but I didn’t. Because, I guess I didn’t want to be rude. Yeah.
I’m not very confrontational. I can’t imagine telling her to her face I want her to
leave. That would have been harder for me to do [laughs] than going through with
it and possibly damaging her. It’s kinda shitty when I think about it.” Asking her
to leave would have been harder than having sex with her. He thought this despite
his worry that he may have hurt her feelings by not contacting her afterward. I
argue that Adam went through with unwanted sex because of expectations embedded
in that interaction. He could not imagine asking her to leave or explaining that
he did not want to have sex—which might cause them both to lose face—so he
had sex to smooth the interaction.
(...)
On my paper questionnaire, Adam checked the item indicating he had sex he
“did not want” because “someone verbally pressured” him. He describes the sex
that night as “unsatisfying, “impersonal,” and “meaningless.” He says, “I mean
I even faked an orgasm. That was a first. I didn’t think guys ever had to do
that…. Even physically, like it just wasn’t, it didn’t feel good enough to make me
climax. There was just like nothing there for me.” It appears that to smooth the
interaction, Adam feigned the most polite exit of all: a proper climax. This
served to save face for Adam and his partner. By doing this, he ended the sex in
an acceptable way—an action in line with traditional sexual scripts, which dictate
that sex ends with male climax (Gagnon and Simon 2011).
(...)
The Role of Gender in Interaction
As the accounts above imply, men frequently drew upon gender expectations and hegemonic ideals of masculinity as an explanation for unwanted sex. These included expectations for men to want sex, to always be ready for it, and to amass sexual experiences with attractive women. In my sample, men described having unwanted sex to project an image, to keep up a reputation, and to take advantage of a sexual opportunity. Men worried that disrupting an encounter could result in them being viewed as a “pussy,” “virgin,” “jerk,” or someone who is “gay.” It is notable here that these terms are very different from the kinds of terms (i.e., “tease,” “prude”) applied to women who say no to sex.
(...)
For nineteen-year-old Max, unwanted sex unfolded as he left a party. He was leaving at the same time as a female friend from his dorm, so they left together.
Max explained, “I did not want to do this [sex]. Not at all. She was a really nice girl. But I didn’t think she was that hot. I’d say she’s really attractive…. But it just wasn’t that type of relationship…. It was more like a sister relationship. I never had a sister, but like I would give her advice and stuff, apply for things together. So it was...yeah...I dunno, just that.” Contrary to the stereotype that men want sex from women whenever they can get it, Max explained that he was happy with their relationship as friends. Although Max described her as not “that hot,” he told me she was objectively “pretty cute” (...) In the elevator back at the dorm, she began kissing him. The encounter progressed into sex, which Max described as “physically forced” on my paper questionnaire.
You said you have had sex forced on you.... Was it this time?
Yeah, that was that time.
What do you mean?
I feel like it was just so many people that had been saying it [that he
should hook up with her] for so long that I was like this is not gonna
stop so I might as well. Then kind of just because she wanted it. I
couldn’t really shrug her off or something once she started kissing me in
the elevator. That would’ve been weird to me.
While Max referred to peer pressure and her feelings, he also explained that rejecting
her would be “weird.” When I probed further, Max explained that the
reason it would have been “weird” had to do with gender norms. He said,
“When a girl comes on to you, you’re just like ‘ok, I’ll accept this’
(...)
Studies of hegemonic masculinity and gender norms suggest that men are
often policed or nudged into behaving in certain ways (Pascoe 2011).
(...)
Importantly, these accounts from men also show that men seem believe that
women’s reports will be credible to other men and women. This implies that women’s
interpretations of events have consequences for men’s sense of self. If it is
critical that men perform masculinity respectably, even in private dyadic contexts,
this underscores women’s role in policing masculinity and in upholding
gender expectations.
It’s hard for men to say no?
Yeah. It’s uncomfortable.
How is it uncomfortable?
Because first I don’t really like to make people feel bad about themselves.
Also there is this social pressure that men like sex a lot and women can
choose yes or no. So I guess it makes you unmanly if you don’t want to
have sex. Maybe, probably. Unconsciously honestly. I was not thinking
that at the time. Yeah, looking at it, maybe that’s one reason.
–Greg, twenty-year-old sophomore
Greg articulated how gendered content worked jointly with interactional processes
to facilitate unwanted sex. For Greg, saying no to sex was uncomfortable.
In a generic (nongendered) sense, it could make someone “feel bad” if you
turned down their invitation. She could lose face; he could lose face, and this
action might not make sense. Next, gendered content is layered onto generic
interactional pressures such that turning down sex becomes “unmanly.”
Women, in particular, may “feel bad” if their sexual invitation is rejected, due to
sexual double standards. In the context of gender norms and hegemonic notions
of masculinity, interactional processes push men toward unwanted sex. With
these pressures combined, some men have unwanted sex.
(...)
Andy—who views sex as something special to be done with serious girlfriends—
avoided sex by being more direct. However, he chooses his timing carefully:
I’ll straight up say, “There’s something you should know. We’re not
gonna have sex tonight.” I’m not gonna wait until they try to do it and
be like “no” because then if you say it in the moment then they feel bad,
like “oh god I’m sorry,” or upset. I don’t want it to be a surprise really.
But in the end it is a bit of a surprise because they were expecting it in
the first place. I guess in most cases I did want to be with them, but just
not intercourse.
So, you think it’s a surprise?
They’re definitely a little surprised by it that a 20-year-old guy is turning
away sex, but I feel like I would rather surprise them as little as possible
with that.
(...)
Connor successfully avoided an unwanted sexual encounter with this woman by
telling her to stop and physically removing her from his lap. He succeeded by
“resort[ing] to physical force.” Connor explained that sex with someone more
“drunk” is not desirable because he could get in trouble and it is not right. This
came up frequently in interviews. Given the emphasis on sexual assault on campus,
men were wary of sexual advances from women who appeared intoxicated.
Therefore, one credible way to avoid unwanted sex was by acknowledging that
she was intoxicated.5
(...)
Finally, unwanted sex could also be avoided when an interaction was interrupted
abruptly. For example, Luke did not want to have sex with a woman but
ended up having it anyway during a party. When they were interrupted midway
through, he was able to stop the sex.
(...)
Discussion
To understand how unwanted sex occurs for men, I argue that it is necessary to
understand the power of interactional expectations and how they are gendered. (...)
Men’s accounts showed that, sometimes, interactional dynamics only pushed toward unwanted sex
because gender norms informed the content of (1) how men were expected to act;
(2) what men were expected to want; and (3) what actions might make men lose
face with their partner or others. For example, men feared being made fun of by
others and considered a “wuss” if they turned down a sexual opportunity.
Therefore, I argue that some of what occurs to produce unwanted sex for men can
be explained by gender-neutral theories of interaction, but much of what occurs
cannot because what saves face or is expected depends on a person’s gender.
As reviewed above, Goffman posits that general social rules constitute what
he calls the communicative morality of interactions. My findings here provide
evidence supporting an idea of Goffman’s—one that is often overlooked—that
communicative morality cannot work without being overlaid with the normative
(Goffman 1983). That is, communicative morality inevitably implies a
more substantive morality, which in this case is informed by gender norms.
What college men’s accounts of unwanted sex make clear is that gender tends
to attach itself to substantive morality so that the rules of interaction are gendered
in important ways.
The discovery that men sometimes have sex because they fear what women will
think of them informs our understanding of gender, power, and masculinity.
(...)
My findings suggest that women have more power than is otherwise understood because
women’s accounts have consequences for men’s sense of self. Findings also show that men
believe women’s reports of the interaction will be credible to others.
(...)
Although more research is needed, men’s accounts reveal a common perception that they had unwanted sex by their own volition. As a result, they did not frame these encounters as sexual assault and reported few traumatic effects.
My results have indirect implications for a debate in the literature on women’s
sexual victimization as to whether the men who commit assault are malicious or
confused. One side argues that men understand women’s refusals, but deliberately
force sex anyway (Lisak and Miller 2002; Sanday 1990). The other side
argues that men are young, drunk, and clueless, and that much sexual assault results
from miscommunication (Abbey et al. 2014; Tannen 1991). Against this
claim, Kitzinger and Frith (1999) provide evidence that men are able to read
social cues about refusal in other situations.
(...)
Conclusion
In this qualitative interview study, I have explored what it means for a man to have
unwanted sex and the processes by which it happens. My findings indicate that
with sex, as in other areas of life, as theorists argue, interaction proceeds by all parties
trying to accomplish normalcy. No one wants to lose face or to make no sense
to others when it comes to sex. What is striking is that, although these college
men’s experiences involve sex, which we sometimes assume to be a largely biologically
driven affair, these men report deploying the same tactics for the same reasons
that a person tries to keep the banter going when talking to someone at a dinner
party. People try to fulfill interactional expectations, even when the cost is high.
I find that gender-neutral processes of interactional smoothing, though important
to my analysis, were not sufficient to explain men’s accounts of unwanted
sex. At least in the context of heterosexuality, gender is also key to the expectations
and policing that men face. What allows a man to save face or make sense
is substantially informed by gender.
Moreover, men conduct their sex lives in the shadow of presumed gendered reputational consequences. They fear ridicule if stories are told portraying them as the kind of man who declines sex with an attractive woman.
While much research has been conducted on women, more research comparing
men and women is still needed to understand the gendered content of norms
in sexual contexts. For example, men claim that rejecting or avoiding sex is
“weird” or “strange.” Do women draw upon similar language, or are there differing
ways that women account for unwanted sex? Does the expectation that
men want sex more than women, and the existence of a double standard where
women may be judged more adversely for casual sex than men, give women
more freedom to stop events from leading to unwanted intercourse, such that
when they do have unwanted sex, more coercion has been involved? Further
comparative detailed accounts of women’s and men’s sexual experiences are
needed to increase our understanding of the gender of sexuality, and how it is
layered onto interactional processes."
