disruptive children - whos fault?

[Jack]

Alright, whenever a child acts out, and does something bad, people are quick to blame many things, with the extreme cases where the child becomes violent people begin to point their fingers at films,games or even TV......
In the cases where the children grow up to become to bad and anti-social, where would you point the blame?


My personal opinion it lies with the parents its there responsibility to raise a considerate and caring child, if things go wrong it lies in the way they were brought up.

[Kinsao]

It's an interesting question. I tend to consider it *mainly* fault of the parents in some way... but, I don't want to seem like I am blaming the parents if they have this really difficult, uncontrollable kid... I have no kids, so I don't know what the circumstances might be that they have difficulty. But, I think if they are finding so much difficulty to control their kid, they ought to get some help or advice (I mean, maybe s/he have a medical condition like adhd?) If I had real problems with my kid I would be really worried and upset, I would be looking for help, not just to let the situation continue.

But, I was thinking there of 'badly behaved children', but I think you were talking about kids who actually grow up to be violent (I've gone off the point again!). Mainly I would say yes, there probably is some lack of awareness and failing from the parents because from the beginning they have responsibility of forming the character of the child... but of course it's a big responsibility and no-one is perfect; also maybe other things go wrong for the child that are outside control of the parents (bad experiences etc.) Also there is nature/nurture issue, that perhaps if there is certain tendency (in the brain) one way there's a limited amount that can be done about it (but my scientific knowledge about such things isn't good enough to discuss it really).

And, of course there may be people who become violent or anti social but they were ok as children but became like that later in life for another reason.

Hehe, generally I think I am trying to agree with you but making excuses too so that it doesn't look like I try to put all the blame on parents...

[Dutch Baka]

I would Blame the parents ( sorry)... no child is being Born bad ( or your dad should be DR EVIL..... even his child wasnt bad either) so it is about how you Raise the children... sometimes they are to easy about there children, and let them watch to much tv, and play to many tv-games... give attention to your child, make attention for him, ( especialy when it is young) ...

i was looking out of my window a couple of weeks ago, and saw a small little BOY from i think around 4-6 years old.. screaming, and said some really Nasty words, and Kicked at a door.. WTF at this age? there is a problem with his parents isnt?

also i think it is something for Teachers... teachers are the people who spend with kids arouund 6-8 hours a day.. they should provide some respect, etc etc...

Hard qeustion, and i hope to raise my kids as good as i can, with making time for it, and take care he dont get To much, or to less attention ..

but i am not a parent... hope to dont be for the next couple of years LOL..... so please let people who have children answer on this.. Kirei_na_me? whats your Opinion?

[duff_o_josh]

young children are mirror images of their parents. i see it everyday, i am a preshcool teacher. some parents are good, their children are the same, some parents are a little strange so are their kids, some parents are iresponsible(sorry for the spelling) their children are complete brats.

[Kinsao]

I saw a woman walking down the street one day and her little boy with her, he was about 4 or 5 years old. He was crying really loudly and she screams on top of her voice "you're a dickhead and I hate you!!!"

Yeah, that's really going to make him shut up and behave, right

[Kara_Nari]

I think that alot of it does indeed depend on the parents... for those people quick to blame tv, movies etc who lets these children watch the programmes? If a child is four years old and has a potty mouth runs around threatening to 'Kill' his friends, there arent too many other places other than his home that are going to influence this.
In saying this, I have met little monsters, who arent subjected to violence and other such unsavoury things. My brother was a great example of this, he was a terror, and nobody could explain why. Luckily after years, his diet has changed slightly and he is now super placid.
Thats where chemical imbalances come into the equation. Also the amount of processed foods that children these days eat. It can aggravate them to no end, the additives, sugar and colouring. It makes them angry and violent, lashing out at the people who love them. Extremely stubborn to no end, uncompromising in every situation, and unfortunately this is when treats or threats come out, neither of which is going to help the situation.
I use to look after a young boy who was the sweetest thing, but if he was chemically imbalanced he would snap. He would have to eat protein every 3 hours if he didnt do this in conjunction with taking his medicines WATCH OUT. Even something simple like getting him to eat his breakfast would result in him running out the door screaming that I was mean, and letting the dog out, and then both of them would dissappear!
As long as he took a little box of peanuts with him, or a boiled egg he would know when he started feeling different. However it took him a while to realise when this was happening, that was why he would lash out, because he felt so terrible.
That was all to do with the foods that he was eating... and in conclusion having read over this, I guess it does go back to the parents and how they are brought up. Just that he was not subjected to domestic violence or violence through other means such as television and video games.

[misa.j]

Like all adults are different from each other, each child has a different personality; a child's aggressive behavior is caused by many factors.

I've worked with a boy who would start running around when he saw a new person coming into the room, a girl who would get so nervous and cry when she was in the room with the bright lights, and this is a good one, a boy who called me "stupid b***h!" when he was asked to use the inside voice.
Parents are not the ones to blame when a child exhibits aggression as some child may have a medical condition, and I think it's important for adults to have the flexibility to include as many causes as possible when to deal with a child with aggression.

During the first three years, a child's brain develops so much and tries to absorb everything that sees, hears and feels. When a baby puts an object in his mouth, he is trying to learn. Every child needs a lot of physical affection, gentle voices, sensory activities from their parents and caregivers.

[Jack]

I saw a woman walking down the street one day and her little boy with her, he was about 4 or 5 years old. He was crying really loudly and she screams on top of her voice "you're a dickhead and I hate you!!!"

Yeah, that's really going to make him shut up and behave, right

i see this sort of thing all the time, especially with the council estate mums,
anyone agree?

[No-name]

Council estate... is that public housing- it sounds so quaint, we call them "projects."

[Thor]

I will have to say that it's the parents fault for letting such a thing go on unpunished.

[Tsuyoiko]

Some children misbehave because they have ADD or some other medical condition. But the vast majority is because of their parents.

There are a couple of kids that live behind me, they are about 7 and 9. They play outside from about 7:30am until 10:30pm, every day. They are really noisy that whole time, screaming, shouting, playing with noisy toys. I can hear them screaming from inside my house, so their parents must hear them. I just think they can't be bothered.

I was brought up to consider the feelings of others at all times, so even at that age I wouldn't have had to be told to be quiet. I think that the most important thing you can teach a child is consideration for others. If they have that they will naturally know how to behave. But bad parents - and I agree with Geno, it is more common on the council estates - don't teach their children anything. When a child has no guidance they go into 'survival mode' - in other words, they do what they want.

Council estate... is that public housing- it sounds so quaint, we call them "projects."

Yep, it's public housing.

I will have to say that it's the parents fault for letting such a thing go on unpunished.

Punishment should be a last resort. A well-raised child would know how to behave because they have good values, and would rarely need punishment

[kirei_na_me]

I was brought up to consider the feelings of others at all times, so even at that age I wouldn't have had to be told to be quiet. I think that the most important thing you can teach a child is consideration for others. If they have that they will naturally know how to behave. But bad parents - and I agree with Geno, it is more common on the council estates - don't teach their children anything. When a child has no guidance they go into 'survival mode' - in other words, they do what they want.

That is my exact philosophy. That is the way I was brought up too, and it is the way I'm bringing up my children.

Yesterday, I had to get the oil changed in my car, and I had to take the kids with me. We had to sit in a small waiting room for an hour and a half, and they did amazingly well. There was an older man sitting beside them and I told them to please play quietly and be careful not to disturb the other people, and they did quite good. I think I was sweating bullets the whole time, because it is that important to me that they are considerate of other people. Near the end of my waiting time, two middle school aged boys came in and they were much louder, their cell phones ringing, having loud conversations, and laughing about everything....

Of course, the behavior of my children can depend on who they are around. We have friends who have boys who are 10 and 11 years old, and when they get around them, it's like everything I taught them flies out the window.

To answer the question, though, yes, I think first and foremost, it goes back to the parents. I think children are a product of their environments, and environments are usually the result of the parents, or sometimes, lack thereof. I also have doubts about ADD/ADHD. I have witnessed too many of those supposed cases, and in reality, the children are just spoiled brats or chidren that just haven't had any attention or guidance. My own half-brother, a good example. I think in his case, it is an excuse.

I try my best with my children. They are certainly no angels, but they are usually praised for their behavior in public(in private, 3 boys are going to clash!), and that's all that matters to me.

[Jack]

punishment is always the last resort or something that should never happen?

[TwistedMac]

parents.

Sure, some kids can be harder to raise than others, but no matter the preasure on teh parents , they are always the ones that farked up if it goes haywire... which ofcourse means if parents say "no tv for you!" then that's their way of raising their child.. wether that's gonna make a difference or not isnot important... the important thing is they're trying.

[kirei_na_me]

Well, I think punishment is necessary sometimes. That's how they learn consequences of their actions(because they will do something eventually, they're not perfect), and therefore, hopefully not do it again.

I have seen too many parents with their children who let them run over top of them. They're in stores, children screaming and manipulating the parents to the maximum, and the parents never correct them. They just give into their every wish. I really believe the parent is supposed to be in control, not the child.

One time, I was at a birthday party for my friend's child, and another parent was spouting off about not having to discipline her child and that her child was never reprimanded. What was ironic, was that at the very time she was telling this to everyone, her daughter was pushing my friend's daughter out of her toy car and then proceeded to bite the hell out of her.

[Tsuyoiko]

punishment is always the last resort or something that should never happen?

All children need punishment at some point, but a well-raised child will rarely misbehave. And I don't think children should be punished as soon as they misbehave. Too much control can make children withdrawn. I don't have my own kids yet, but I have worked with kids. I would point out when they were doing something wrong, like "Please don't do that because...", if they continued I would say "Please stop that or else...", then strike three would be time for punishment. Unless it was something really bad, like stealing or violence, then they would be punished right away. Of course, this only worked with the good kids. The brats would misbehave no matter what you did.

[Pachipro]

Well, I think punishment is necessary sometimes. That's how they learn consequences of their actions(because they will do something eventually, they're not perfect), and therefore, hopefully not do it again.

All children need punishment at some point, but a well-raised child will rarely misbehave

I think back to the days when I was a kid. And an unrulely one at that! I was rebellious from day one and my parents were quite strict. Had they not been so strict I wonder where I would have ended up today. If my parents acted the way some parents do today I'm sure I would've taken every advantage I could get away with including, "If you spank or hit me, I'll tell the police!" And would've probably ended up on the wrong side of the law. If the authorities were as strict back then as they are today about disciplining one's offspring my parents would be in jail.

Nothing struck more fear into me than, "Wait till your father gets home and I tell him!" It would be a trip to the basement where I would have to select the piece of wood for him to smack my bare ass with. As my father always said, "there's nothing but fat on your ass, and I won't break any bones." Needless to say, I didn't mess up too many times and when I was disciplined I truly deserved it.

When I look back on it, and the way I was, I am thankful they were so strict and have told them so. A few childhood friends of mine, who were like me, but their parents were either too lenient or too strict are dead today and/or ended up on the wrong side of the law. There's a fine line between being too strict and too lenient and I'm thankful my parents knew where that line was.

There's a reason why in the book of proverbs it says, "Spare the rod, spoil the child." It is quite evident today. I just can't believe that they would arrest a mother for spanking an unrulely child in a supermarket. But such is the state of affairs in the US today. Sometimes I am thankful that I never had children in this day and age; and some days I wonder, "what if?"