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Thread: Is father to son communication important in the teen years?

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    Is father to son communication important in the teen years?



    I've had depression all my life. It's recently (A few years ago) turned to severe isolation, bitterness and severe anger problems. I don't even eat anymore, shower anymore, or care about how I look.

    My dad has a kind of social anxiety disorder. I'm 17. When I was younger, he was much happier (at least to me). I'm guessing this is because I was nicer to him, and because parents are nicer to children than teens (I guess?)

    I graduated high school, only to find out the charter school may be closing down due to failing grades. So, in my free time (Which is always. I don't go to college) i constantly read the wikipedia encylopedia, and memorize it. Especially philosphy. How do we know we exist? I also like to look at physics (Not as much), mathematics (not as much as the others), I edit numismatic articles, and look at TONS of psychological and social science articles. I love psychology. I guess I'm just trying to figure out my dad.


    He constantly jokes around. I think he may joke around because he is insecure about his self. So he jokes to 'break the ice' so to speak.

    He doesn't show any affection. And doesn't like to be corrected. For example, my parents constantly argue about where to drive, what to eat, etc. One noticeable thing: When my dad is driving, my mom freaks out "easilY" as he says because he gets close to another car. When he is wrong, he never admits it. I suppose this is a trait of the psychological male, but it is NOT healthy. Men need to be open, and DEFINITELY it is critical to open the lines of communication in the teenager times; as it is a very insecure and uncertain time for teens. They question themselves, their bodies are going through emotional changes. Girls have mood swings, men have changes in voice, sometimes embarassing.

    It's a hard time.

    I try to joke back with my dad, but I have very low self esteem myself. He tells me suicide is "selfish" and that anyone who tries it Is "stupid" but I simply try to tell him :

    "Everyone deals with pain differently. My pain threshold is not your pain threshold. Emotional and physical pain is different for each person. When you feel you need to take your life, simply put, you feel it when pain exceeds
    resources for coping with pain.”

    He doesn't get it. He still calls me stupid.

    I take medicine. I have OCD, and constnatly obess about trivial things. My former doctor says I do not have aspergers, even though I constantly have obessed to an extreme about certain things in my past. I do not view people as "objects" which, he thinks, is the main key factor. I'm also very social.

    I joke around easily with people I feel comfortable with. I do not feel comfortable with my parents, especially my dad.

    He constantly says things like, "The navy will go get you soon." at least 5 times a day, telling me that Im already "signed up." He says he makes these "jokes" to toughen me up, but he's not funny. We have 23 rabbits, and he constantly makes "rabbit voices", makes bunny faces, as he calls it "fluffy faces", but he's joking around. He's 51. It was funny the first 10 times.

    I'm very frustreated with him. My mom seems to be brainwashed by him as well. The anger builds up on me, despite finding healthy ways to manage it (I always go up in my room when I feel angry until I chill) I still cuss them out daily, and I know this is wrong. They also cuss at me sometimes.

    It's a vicious circle. I know I'm wrong, and whenever I am nice to my dad, he doesn't appreciate it and is still VERY rude to me. He never admits he's wrong, and he always feels he's always right. His favorite phrase is, "YOUR wrong."

    So, I blame it all on myself. I feel like I must have some defect. I thought I was mature in what i Just said (read this post), but I guess not.

    The other day, whil ein the car, my parents said:
    "Don't pull this guilt trip crap on us. We've done everythign we can do for you, so we won't feel guitly if you kill yourself."

    Gee, thanks!

    Indeed, they have done alot. From putting me to bootcamp, where it said on the disclaimer, "THIS SITE DOES NOT RECOMMEND PEOPLE WHO HAVE DEPRESSION" in which they said it was OK. They then beat me while I was there. I told them I was suicidal, and they backed off for awhile, then went back to their old ways. One time, I wasn't doing push ups as I was exhausted. He then kicked me under the chest, and I fell to the ground.

    They even gave us our medicine. My parents are happy they did this and said I deserved it. Yes, I Guess abuse always solves problems, doesn't it?


    One time, I stabbed myself several times. Blood was everywhere. Sorry this is so graphic, I'm trying to make a point. They were tired, it was 3 am. They told me it would stop bleeding as soon as the vein clotted and told me to go back to bed. I couldn't, I said I needed help. I had to beg them to call 911 before they would do anything.

    This just puts a huge sign out in front saying, "WE DONT CARE"

    I mean, seriously. They didn't want to take me to the hospital. They were too tired. Sounds pretty selfish to me.


    I admit, I'm pretty selfish myself

    But I need other peoples opinions. Please know, it's not all bad, my dad jokes around alot, and they flat out spoil me.

    However, the problem is this:
    I do not get ANY DISCIPLINE, I call them every name in the book, scream, everything, and I don't get disciplined. And they wonder why I act out? My dad likes to say things to aggreviate me on purpose, and my next idea is to just ignore him when he says that. That way, won't feed the fire, will I?

    The most response I get from my dad is "Uh huH" and him telling me, etc. He is constnatly negative. About his job, etc. Everything. He never liked his job, or any job.

    We never travel. We've never been on a vacation. okay, maybe disneyland.

    And I travelled to florida once for a funeral, that was the best.
    私の趣味は金貨集めです。
    I collect gold coins

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    Yes communication is important.

    My dad is a lifelong alcoholic. My parents were divorced and I was raised by my mother (who raised seven of us.) He also shows signs of mental distresses from depression to social affective disorder. He was never there ...well ever. A few of my siblings also suffer from depression and various mental or social disorders- including some addictions and failed marriages. So I know it is a bit difficult growing up without the perfect "leave it to beaver family." My dad wasn't there, and at 84 years old, chances are he never will be.

    I spend all the time I can with my two boys (17 and 13). They are great kids- a pleasure to be around, easy to raise and I love being their dad. Stable house with pets and a dog and a stable marriage. I try to spoil them whenever I can. Since I get summers off also we go off together on grand adventures. The whole family practices Karate and everyone enjoys going to church together.

    I guess the only thing I can give to you is to encourage you to hang in there. It always gets better. There are hard times ahead, but great times, too. The things you will do, the places you will go and the people you meet will make whatever hard times quite worth it. I am definitely in love with life and I would encourage anyone to hang on-- to go out and find the answers-- to find yourself and meet a great guy-- yourself. You may not see it now, but look around you- the world needs you.

    So please, hang in there for one more day...then one more month... and then one more year. And keep posting. I believe if you can find positive people around to support you-- it will make the going all that easier.

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    Confusion and depression, I went through a lot of that in my early twenties, to the point where I seriously considered suicide. Life cannot always be dark, and there will always be brighter times in the future. Always.

    It was in recognizing my initial negative thoughts, those that would send my on a dark train of downward spiralling thoughts, and intentionally taking a different perspective on those thoughts that I started finding brighter times. It took some trial and error, as not all perspectives that I took on actually helped me, but for the sake of your happiness, I would highly recommend it.

    I am now married and living in Japan. I have a healthy and strong-willed son age six now, and I really do feel that life could not have been dark forever. At least not for most people.

    People will try and help you, but in many ways, the person most suited to helping you is you. Perhaps what I have written doesn't help you in your particular case, but there is something out there, that if you look hard enough, that will help you.
    "The whole purpose of religion is to facilitate love and compassion, patience, tolerance, humility, forgiveness."
    --H.H. the Dalai Lama

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    GoldCoinLover san !!! I really, really feel for you. My heart goes out to you. The two above posts were really, really good, and I especially would echo Revenant's words: "...the person most suited to helping you is you."

    I feel that closeness and friendship is very important between parents and children. I make it a point, for example to play with my younger sons, 11 yrs and 13yrs, on their level, and in the way they play. With my older son, 17yrs., of course it's a different level of play (and sometimes can be expensive) but I make sure that even so, in all cases, it is a friend to a friend as much as a parent to child thing.

    The family unit is very important a thing. For the betterment of the family, however, the relationship between the husband and wife, or two family heads, is very important also.

    We cannot, unfortunately, deny that some degree of mental build is in the genes, and is transfered from parents to children in some degrees and some times--what I mean is that anyone's make-up may not be the total of anyone parent. As you are studying a lot, you may have read about that already.

    Now, I would encourage you to try to do something. To try to get into something positive; something that causes you to have to concentrate and flex your mind and knowledge. It is a cold world out there, but that only means that not all people are kind, loving, and friendly--though most are !!! So, when you meet people who don't care, or those who simply don't know how to help, (and thus they insult you) please try to forgive them for their ignorance, and learn and grow from the situation. The chances are that a greater, better GoldCoinLover will emerge from it all !! I'm cheering for you along with sabro san and Revenant san !!!!

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    Goldcoinlover-

    The only thing I can add is that you may recieve a lot of advice from all kinds of different places. It may make thing muddier instead of clearer. I thought of a dozen suggestions to give you, but in reality, the only one that matters is the one you choose. You need to know that you are okay, that you will come out on top, that all of this is worth it... and I don't know how that will happen except that if you found a direction- a passion- a purpose it might make it easier to see your way through. Does this make any sense?

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    My father died before I reached my teenage years, and I guess I turned out more or less okay...

    Anyway, having supportive parents is always nice, but you're at the age where it's YOUR decision whether or not you're going to act like a responsible adult. At this point, no amount of parenting is going to really change that either way.

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    GCL, all teenagers experience depression and family problems at one time or another, and all parents have some personal problems. No-one's perfect. I think you need to talk to a counsellor. In the UK that's easy enough since you just go to the doctor and ask to be referred. I don't know how you would go about it in the US - maybe one of the US members knows more.

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    We can't choose what life throws at us. All we can choose is with what attitude we meet what life throws at us.

    Any improvement in your situation is going to have to come from within yourself, and would be helped immeasurably by getting some physical separation from what you describe as a worse-than-negative home environment.

    You can choose to wallow in it, or you can choose to remove yourself from it and rise above it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tsuyoiko
    GCL, all teenagers experience depression and family problems at one time or another, and all parents have some personal problems. No-one's perfect. I think you need to talk to a counsellor. In the UK that's easy enough since you just go to the doctor and ask to be referred. I don't know how you would go about it in the US - maybe one of the US members knows more.
    Yeah, this may already be happening along with getting drug treatments, but I think this would help a lot too. You certainly seem to have a lot of insight into the problems, GCL, compared with most teenagers, along with confidence in your own ways of thinking and dealing with things (at least some of the time....) that are separate from your parents which I'm sure would be an ideal candidate for any therapist.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tsuyoiko
    GCL, all teenagers experience depression and family problems at one time or another, and all parents have some personal problems. No-one's perfect. I think you need to talk to a counsellor. In the UK that's easy enough since you just go to the doctor and ask to be referred. I don't know how you would go about it in the US - maybe one of the US members knows more.
    Thanks. I used to have a consoler my whole life, until a few weeks ago. both a psychologist and a consoler. I called him Mr.Karp because he thinks I have ADD because I "tap my foot". He also prescribes me Fish oil.

    I never developed a trusting bond with my consoler. He seems caring, but kind of critical. Here's a conversation of a good consoler, and a bad one. First, the good one (Note: These are just examples):

    Client: I need to talk to you about something.
    Therapist: Sure, what is it?
    Client: I've been feeling like I can't be honest with you because I'm afraid you'll be critical.
    Therapist: I'm glad you brought that up. Can you help me understand when it's felt like I've been critical to you?
    Client: Well, last week I told you about my plans to look for another job and you said I shouldn't do it.
    Therapist: That must have sounded like critism, as if I wasn't supporting you.
    Client: Yes, it did. It felt like you thought I was stupid.
    Therapist: That must have felt awful. Can you think of any other reason I might have made that suggestion?
    Client: No. Was there one?
    Therapist: Well, yes. I've simply found that when people make major life decisions while they're in the throes of a major depression like you, they often regret their action later. It's just so hard to look at things objectively at times liket his. On the other hand, I certainly want to explore your unhappiness at your job. Come to think of it, I probably didn't ask you enough about that. Would you like to tell me more now?


    =============
    The not so ideal therpaist. This therpaist is just like my own.
    ==============
    Client: I need to talk to you about something.
    Therapist: Sure, what is it?
    Client: I've been felling like I can't be honest with you because I'm afraid you'll be critical.
    Therapist: Well, I certainly don't think I've ever critized you. What would you make you think such a thing?
    Client: Well, last week I told you about my plans to look for another job, and you said I shouldn't do it.
    Therapist: That's bcause you're in no condition to be looking around for work. You're far too depressed to do something like that. You really thought I was critizing you?
    Client: Yes, I did. It felt like you thought I was stupid.
    Therapist: That's ridiculous! You're obviously feeling overly defensive. We need to work on that.
    Client: To be honest, I'm just not feeling heard by you
    Therpaist: Well, you're wrong; I'm certainly listening to you.

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    Do talk to someone. If not this therapist- who doesn't seem all that great- find another trained and trusted adult. Don't give up on it.

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    GCL, since I know you you will read this, I will quote some of the finer points made by others to refresh your mind before making my own statement.
    Quote Originally Posted by sabro
    I guess the only thing I can give to you is to encourage you to hang in there. It always gets better. There are hard times ahead, but great times, too. The things you will do, the places you will go and the people you meet will make whatever hard times quite worth it. I am definitely in love with life and I would encourage anyone to hang on-- to go out and find the answers-- to find yourself and meet a great guy-- yourself. You may not see it now, but look around you- the world needs you.
    Quote Originally Posted by Revenant
    It was in recognizing my initial negative thoughts, those that would send my on a dark train of downward spiralling thoughts, and intentionally taking a different perspective on those thoughts that I started finding brighter times. It took some trial and error, as not all perspectives that I took on actually helped me, but for the sake of your happiness, I would highly recommend it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mars Man
    Now, I would encourage you to try to do something. To try to get into something positive; something that causes you to have to concentrate and flex your mind and knowledge. It is a cold world out there, but that only means that not all people are kind, loving, and friendly--though most are !!! So, when you meet people who don't care, or those who simply don't know how to help, (and thus they insult you) please try to forgive them for their ignorance, and learn and grow from the situation. The chances are that a greater, better GoldCoinLover will emerge from it all !!
    Quote Originally Posted by m477
    Anyway, having supportive parents is always nice, but you're at the age where it's YOUR decision whether or not you're going to act like a responsible adult. At this point, no amount of parenting is going to really change that either way
    Quote Originally Posted by Tsuyoiko
    GCL, all teenagers experience depression and family problems at one time or another, and all parents have some personal problems. No-one's perfect.
    Quote Originally Posted by mikecash
    We can't choose what life throws at us. All we can choose is with what attitude we meet what life throws at us.
    Any improvement in your situation is going to have to come from within yourself, and would be helped immeasurably by getting some physical separation from what you describe as a worse-than-negative home environment.
    You can choose to wallow in it, or you can choose to remove yourself from it and rise above it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Elizabeth
    You certainly seem to have a lot of insight into the problems, GCL, compared with most teenagers, along with confidence in your own ways of thinking and dealing with things (at least some of the time....) that are separate from your parents which I'm sure would be an ideal candidate for any therapist.
    I cannot believe that your father is the same age as myself. I think he just doesn't know how to properly raise a family or to be a good father. Maybe he is right and the military is a way out for you although I would think twice about it these days. I believe he is trying to tell you something here. Maybe he is hinting that you need to get out of your environment. I don't know. In my case my father never insinuated. He acted. Maybe as a way of helping me back then.

    GCL, we ALL go through periods of depression at one time or another. My father was also a classic alcoholic and gambler. He was never at home when we were growing up. He and my mom used to fight all the time and holidays were to be feared as a child as they would always fight. They were hardly ever happy and either were we four kids. I was the oldest.

    I left home, with the "help" of my father, at the age of 17 and joined the military. My father knew that my life would probably not turn out well and that he was not there for me as I started hanging out with the wrong people and not studying at school. So one day, shortly after I ran away from home, he introduced me to "his friend", an Army recruiter, and I was sucked in hook, line, and sinker.

    Personally, I saw it as a way to get out of New York City and start a whole new life. The all volunteer Army had just started in 1972 and the only requirement for joining the Army then was a high school diploma. So I buckled down the final six months and barely passed. I was so eager to get away from my home and experience the world that I went to basic training the day I graduated!

    Although not fun, the military changed me and "made a man out of me", so to speak. I learned to think and act on my own and to think about others. One thing (among many) it taught me was that you, and you alone, are responsible for your actions and not anyone else. The Army sent me to Japan and my life changed forever.

    All was not peaches and cream in Japan either as I went through a terrible bout of depression after I got out of the military in Japan and started attending college. I married a Japanese woman while in the Army and divorced shortly after I became a student. I was alone and far from home. About a year later my depression set in. I also had thoughts of suicide as "the easy way out". But I stuck to my guns believing that all will be right with my life and the world some day and that I, and I only, am responsible for my actions and the way I feel. Sure enough it was.

    My depression was so bad that I would often write, from one to four, smilely faces in my pocket diary each day to gage how I was feeling. I never saw a counselor and overcame it on my own to my own joy later on. I came to believe that it was me who was causing my depression and not anyone or any circumstance around me. Sometimes I just wanted to feel sorry for myself and have a private "pity party" as a way to justify my feelings.

    At first I blamed everyone. My parents, my childhood, my ex-wife, my school, Japan, the Japanese, the military. I tried to blame everyone and everything but ME. But I soon came to the realization that neither one of them was the cause of my depression. The cause of my depression was me and how I was thinking and feeling and how I chose to react to it.

    As I look back on it today, some 25 years later, I am glad I stuck it out, and my belief that all would turn out ok turned out to be true. Maybe it was some kind of spiritual test. I don't know. However, I believe I passed it and my life has turned out better than even I thought it ever would be and I never again let myself get depressed again. Although some of my experiences after that bout of depression warranted me being depressed again, I NEVER let it control my life, mood, or feelings again no matter how bad things were or seemed to be. Back in school I would probably have been voted "the one least likely to succeed." Today I am more successful than many of the more "smarter" kids back then.

    I never had a real, or any relationship for that matter, with my father until after I returned from Japan. And it was I who instigated the relationship. After all he was my father and I would do my best to for forge one. However, I never blamed him for not being there for me, or for yelling at me, or calling me stupid when I was young as I came to realize that had his own demons to fight. I understood it and we became very close, although not as close as I would have wanted, until the day he died 5 1/2 years ago at the age of 68 from emphysema. No doubt because he smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day. He never gave up his drinking and chose to instead drink at home instead of going out. Of course he apologized for not being there when I was younger, but he did turn his life around, re-married, and lived a fruitful rest of his life and did his best to have a good relationship with his children. I still remember today the last words my father said to me on the phone. He said, "Joe, I'm proud of you for the way you turned out." Two days later he was dead.

    Those words (and they still do today), meant more to me than anything he ever did, or didn't do, while I was growing up. They made me feel good, and proud, that I did stick it out, made a good life for myself and got through the most difficult of times when killing myself would have been the easy way out. It made me proud that I can look back on it today and say, "I did it all myself, with no help from nobody." I can still remember today, a little voice in my head telling me to "JUMP" while I was standing on a platform waiting for a train while in Japan during my time of depression. I'm glad I never heeded those voices. And I am glad that I am the one who, later on in life, forced myself to forget the past and have a relationship with my father.

    You are still young GCL and have a full, rewarding life ahead of yourself. Trust me. I have been there, done that, and thought that. No one can improve your life but you. In fact your strong interest in Japan and the Japanese language my just be that part of you that is telling you to stick it out because there are better, brighter days ahead of you. And they may just be in Japan which I am sure you will enjoy and it may just change your life for the better and forever!

    Good luck to you GCL. The beauty of the internet and this forum is that you have friends, are liked, and there are people willing to listen to you and help you with advice. But you, yourself must take the first step in helping yourself, believing in yourself, and trusting that things will get better. Peace.
    Do What You Love And You'll Never Work Another Day In Your Life!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pachipro
    GCL, since I know you you will read this, I will quote some of the finer points made by others to refresh your mind before making my own statement.
    I cannot believe that your father is the same age as myself. I think he just doesn't know how to properly raise a family or to be a good father. Maybe he is right and the military is a way out for you although I would think twice about it these days. I believe he is trying to tell you something here. Maybe he is hinting that you need to get out of your environment. I don't know. In my case my father never insinuated. He acted. Maybe as a way of helping me back then.
    GCL, we ALL go through periods of depression at one time or another. My father was also a classic alcoholic and gambler. He was never at home when we were growing up. He and my mom used to fight all the time and holidays were to be feared as a child as they would always fight. They were hardly ever happy and either were we four kids. I was the oldest.
    I left home, with the "help" of my father, at the age of 17 and joined the military. My father knew that my life would probably not turn out well and that he was not there for me as I started hanging out with the wrong people and not studying at school. So one day, shortly after I ran away from home, he introduced me to "his friend", an Army recruiter, and I was sucked in hook, line, and sinker.
    Personally, I saw it as a way to get out of New York City and start a whole new life. The all volunteer Army had just started in 1972 and the only requirement for joining the Army then was a high school diploma. So I buckled down the final six months and barely passed. I was so eager to get away from my home and experience the world that I went to basic training the day I graduated!
    Although not fun, the military changed me and "made a man out of me", so to speak. I learned to think and act on my own and to think about others. One thing (among many) it taught me was that you, and you alone, are responsible for your actions and not anyone else. The Army sent me to Japan and my life changed forever.
    All was not peaches and cream in Japan either as I went through a terrible bout of depression after I got out of the military in Japan and started attending college. I married a Japanese woman while in the Army and divorced shortly after I became a student. I was alone and far from home. About a year later my depression set in. I also had thoughts of suicide as "the easy way out". But I stuck to my guns believing that all will be right with my life and the world some day and that I, and I only, am responsible for my actions and the way I feel. Sure enough it was.
    My depression was so bad that I would often write, from one to four, smilely faces in my pocket diary each day to gage how I was feeling. I never saw a counselor and overcame it on my own to my own joy later on. I came to believe that it was me who was causing my depression and not anyone or any circumstance around me. Sometimes I just wanted to feel sorry for myself and have a private "pity party" as a way to justify my feelings.
    At first I blamed everyone. My parents, my childhood, my ex-wife, my school, Japan, the Japanese, the military. I tried to blame everyone and everything but ME. But I soon came to the realization that neither one of them was the cause of my depression. The cause of my depression was me and how I was thinking and feeling and how I chose to react to it.
    As I look back on it today, some 25 years later, I am glad I stuck it out, and my belief that all would turn out ok turned out to be true. Maybe it was some kind of spiritual test. I don't know. However, I believe I passed it and my life has turned out better than even I thought it ever would be and I never again let myself get depressed again. Although some of my experiences after that bout of depression warranted me being depressed again, I NEVER let it control my life, mood, or feelings again no matter how bad things were or seemed to be. Back in school I would probably have been voted "the one least likely to succeed." Today I am more successful than many of the more "smarter" kids back then.
    I never had a real, or any relationship for that matter, with my father until after I returned from Japan. And it was I who instigated the relationship. After all he was my father and I would do my best to for forge one. However, I never blamed him for not being there for me, or for yelling at me, or calling me stupid when I was young as I came to realize that had his own demons to fight. I understood it and we became very close, although not as close as I would have wanted, until the day he died 5 1/2 years ago at the age of 68 from emphysema. No doubt because he smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day. He never gave up his drinking and chose to instead drink at home instead of going out. Of course he apologized for not being there when I was younger, but he did turn his life around, re-married, and lived a fruitful rest of his life and did his best to have a good relationship with his children. I still remember today the last words my father said to me on the phone. He said, "Joe, I'm proud of you for the way you turned out." Two days later he was dead.
    Those words (and they still do today), meant more to me than anything he ever did, or didn't do, while I was growing up. They made me feel good, and proud, that I did stick it out, made a good life for myself and got through the most difficult of times when killing myself would have been the easy way out. It made me proud that I can look back on it today and say, "I did it all myself, with no help from nobody." I can still remember today, a little voice in my head telling me to "JUMP" while I was standing on a platform waiting for a train while in Japan during my time of depression. I'm glad I never heeded those voices. And I am glad that I am the one who, later on in life, forced myself to forget the past and have a relationship with my father.
    You are still young GCL and have a full, rewarding life ahead of yourself. Trust me. I have been there, done that, and thought that. No one can improve your life but you. In fact your strong interest in Japan and the Japanese language my just be that part of you that is telling you to stick it out because there are better, brighter days ahead of you. And they may just be in Japan which I am sure you will enjoy and it may just change your life for the better and forever!
    Good luck to you GCL. The beauty of the internet and this forum is that you have friends, are liked, and there are people willing to listen to you and help you with advice. But you, yourself must take the first step in helping yourself, believing in yourself, and trusting that things will get better. Peace.
    Wow...I am speechless.
    What to say?

    I've never heard such a thought provoking, non-insulting, motivatoinal, and inspiration story in my life. God bless you, I am in tears from what your father said.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tsuyoiko
    GCL, all teenagers experience depression and family problems at one time or another...

    I think one of the biggest problems with depression in teens is that many people make it seem like depression means you're "crazy". Many don't want to seek help because they don't want to be "crazy" and some who do seek help don't get much support because their acquaintances treat them like crazies. It's a really crappy situaton. At least, this is what it is like in my area. Doctors are very quick to prescrib drugs, but the genreal public seems to think depressed person = big ol' crazy person.

    My story:

    My own depression began when I was 15. And it just stemmed from me being only slightly shy and a little reserved. Since I wasn't as outgoing as the other kids, random gungho teachers would try to latch on to me and say things like "I think you're depressed. Were you ever molested, I had a student once who was and she was just like you". To which I would reply "No, why do you ask?" And then they'd insist that my reserved nature meant that I was. No matter what I said, they didn't listen. With people impying things like this I eventually became more shy because I felt like I was some kind of freak of nature. It made me think "I were 'normal' they wouldn't be bothering me".

    Once the idea that I was not "normal" planted itself in my mind, It all went downhill from there, very quickly. It's very easy to convince yourself that you're not worthy if you believe that you are somehow "different" than everyone else. Especially when you're so young.

    At the time I felt like the everyone was against me. But in hindsight, It was only a select bunch. The head was one particular teacher I had. She'd even pull me out of class, which only heighted my "I'm a freak" feelings since no one else got pulled out of class and asked strange questions. She'd send me to the school counselor, and even the counselor knew that the strange things my teachers kept impling were false. But the counselor could only send me back to class. I couldn't transfer out of the classes because my school had a shortage of teachers. My days were filled with me constantly trying to not be noticed, Since whenever ever I got noticed, it only ended in me being treated "differently", than say the girl or guy who sat behind me.

    By the time I was in 10th grade my problems were basically solved, I was out of all the classes that had crazy teachers. I had many friends and acquainces. I was in advanced classes (which I absolutely loved). I trusted the counselors and admins because they did try their best to help against the crazy teachers. I started selling mix cd's that I made to my classmates (I couldn't help myself, I'm a good sales woman).
    I made a hefty buck so I didn't even need to asked my parents for any kind of "allowance".

    But my feelings of being "different" just continued to get worse.

    The day came when I was going to down a bottle of sleeping pills with some alcohol I had found, but I didn't. I still don't know why. But I am glad I didn't, I like life, I like me. Not being "normal" doesn't bother me so much anymore . Screw being normal, "normal" people are the same people who nowadays come up to me and confess that they admire me. I guess being 'normal' isn't all that great.

    Suicide isn't worth it. It's a long hard road to happiness but you can be happy.

    I don't blame them but one day I'd like to find those teachers and ask them a few questions, Because I wasn't THAT shy.

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    Well its gotten to the point where I don't care about my life anymore. I don't care about how I look, etc.

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    Hang in there GCL. As bad as you may feel, there are better days ahead.

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    Quote Originally Posted by GoldCoinLover
    Well its gotten to the point where I don't care about my life anymore. I don't care about how I look, etc.
    It's kind of hard to get a sense of what might really be going on from what you've written so far, GCL, but since it more of less appears like you're on a downward slide I'm just wondering are you on any medication for the depression right now ? And have you started seeing another therapist ? The thing that strikes me as odd is how much you say you have 'found your passion' in Japanese (of course if making the computer the whole of your existance is enough to self-inflicted scar anyone indefinately ) but at the same time the mental and emotional sides of your life apparently just keep getting worse and worse. Sow what gives this time ? what's up with that?

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    Onetime after visitting my biological parents not long ago , i was in school, in the cafeteria, i broke down and cried, i ended up at the doctor with apparent anxiety problems.....being a vulnerable teenager that just drove me into an anxiety and depression problem, it lasted a very long long long time.....

    But i eventually grew out of it, i did see a counciler but he seemed more interested in my homework then my actual mental wellbeing (my parents agreed with me many years after when i brought it up) i stopped seeing him and learned to cope myself.

    I always told myself "if i commit scuicide im a f**king loser and a coward" and instead of driving me further into depression it made me stronger....i dont know which parent to thank for my stubbornness but i refused to give in, i began to see it as a battle, a huge lord of the rings style war, in which i hasd to destroy the enemy: my anxiety and depression, or be destroyed by it, and day by day i would fight this battle in my mind and day by day i pushed the anxiety and depression out of my mind.

    Eventually anxiety and depression werent a problem, infact ive stealed myself so much against fear, that almost nothing phases me now, a difference from used to being scared of alot of things.
    I feel that by protecting myself from my own demons, i became stronger, i learned to love life and not allow my emotions to control me in such a way, i learned that life is always beautiful, and that depression might make you feel like everything is bad, but it really isnt...depression is like a fog that clouds your vision, and if you have the strength to weather it out and break through, you WILL find yourself out in the open again, to say it in a way.

    It is this strength that has seen me through my grandpa's funeral (i still cried, but at least i could remain standing), its helped me forgive my biological parents, its helped me become closer to my father, my dad is similar to yours, he keeps his feelings to himself but that doesnt mean he doesnt care or isnt human, my mum understands my father so much better, and through her help i learned to see my fathers true self under his protection.....he isnt "cold" or uncaring....he simply restrains his emotions...in a sense he is like me, ive never seen my father cry and the last time my father saw me cry was when i failed a japanese highschool scholarship.

    Coin, your fathers love is there, even if he doesnt hug you and say everything you think he should say, your father has given you a home, food and clothing, and everyday he hopes to god that you will be okay, and he only says what he says about scuicide because he is scared, your parents really are bleeding their hearts for you in their thoughts everyday, your father has loved you since the day you were born, you were too young to probably remember the times he smiled to you, and held you as a baby, and wondered how you will be, you are growing up, and like many many teenagers, it isnt an easy time at all for you...but please, always remember your dads love is there....even if he doesnt show it in the way you wish he could...oneday you will be rid of your demons and you will understand your fathers feelings, and your relationship WILL be stronger, if you stick with it and trust him.


    So yeah, the best advice so far is that you are the most qualified to help yourself, start fighting it, relise that the happy and okay coin is under all that fake darkness and depression, that isnt you....that isnt life and that isnt reality, it is merely a trick, much like your slide of hand magic....it looks like something that it isnt.

    And i cant stress enough, dont go back to that counciler, your better off on your own then with the detrimental effect of a bad counciler, he is obviously taclking things which arent important, and they are just messing you around more then its helping.

    Personally, i felt better without my counciler, i always felt abnormal and somehow not right, because i visitted him, so ontop of this feeling of being wierd because i visitted him, he never so much as tried to really approach my feelings, he talked about school and homework and stuff, but my anxiety was never about school, if it was, i would feel better not being at school, my anxiety was constant and about everything but, my counciler talked about the wrong things, and in the end, i stopped seeing him, and depended on myself to council myself, if you can understand.

    So yeah, just hang in their coin and dont lose faith, it feels bad, but most of it can be down to being yonug and inexperienced and a teenager, stick your guns, and fight your demons with your own weapons, become stronger, and you will eventually find yourself on the far side of the storm, and that strength you gain from defeating your demons will be the greatest asset you will ever have, and it will help you through life, and if things get hard again, chances are you will survive much easier then some others around you.

    Sorry for the long rant, its not easy to describe properly the subjects and ideas this thread covers, i hope my pitiful attempt got across what i wanted to say.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Elizabeth
    It's kind of hard to get a sense of what might really be going on from what you've written so far, GCL, but since it more of less appears like you're on a downward slide I'm just wondering are you on any medication for the depression right now ? And have you started seeing another therapist ? The thing that strikes me as odd is how much you say you have 'found your passion' in Japanese (of course if making the computer the whole of your existance is enough to self-inflicted scar anyone indefinately ) but at the same time the mental and emotional sides of your life apparently just keep getting worse and worse. Sow what gives this time ? what's up with that?
    I have had extreme obessions my whole life. Sometimes they go away and I get interested in other things, sometimes not.
    2 things that haven't changed:
    1) Still interested in science and mathematics
    2) Still interested in flying an airplane
    3) Still interested in doing slight-of-hand illusions. I love the attention and make people say "Wow, thats awesome!"
    4) Still study numismatics and collect coins. Been doing this since I was 6.
    5) Still interested in many foreign langauges. Want to learn spanish, I love talking to people in other languages.
    Things I've stopped:
    1) Stopped collecting beanie babies
    2) Stopped collecting pokemon cards/games/videos
    As you can see, the things that I've stopped were usually "fads". Japanese is not a fad. I like the big city, the culture, and the video games. Of course, that may change when I visist japan, or live there for awhile, but IMHO there is not a bigger insult than me studying japanese for 2 weeks, and learning what I've learned so far. Only to have people tell me to "prove it".
    I'm reading a book right now, Elizabeht. called "How to influence friends and people" something you don't want to do is boast, insult people, or tell people they are wrong. This is a direct blow to their intelligence.
    When I want to do something, I will do it. I won't give up. Unless I really change my mind about japan and hate it, I will probably live there for a few years, move back for a year, and move back again. It may seem unrealistic, I realize its pretty expensive, and that you only get paid once a month ,but I'm determined to do it. And anyone who tells me otherwise is very mistaken.

    It really confuses me that so many people here have somehow thought the OPPOSITE. That I'm not determined, only a few have said that I have some passion for it. This really hurts my feelings.

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    Yes it is required in the growing children's there are chances of they are going apart...

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    Agree with you 100 %

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