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Thread: Poem

  1. #1
    ~*ガゼット*~孤独な夢みる JoRuDeNnA's Avatar
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    Poem



    Hey there Im writting a poem but each line is giving it a different meaning hehe dotn know why that always happens to me when Im writting something can you please give my your opinions and suggestions on it Onegai??

    Please dont cry
    Dont let sadness defeat you
    There are more things to learn
    There are more things to try

    Life surely can be a mistery
    So dont be scared of the past
    Dont let the future leave you behind
    And live the present as a gift of time

    Every soul is like a small river
    Its direction constantly changes
    But soon they will reach the sea
    And at that time they'll become one

    Fight for your dreams and hopes
    Defeat the monsters in your head
    Never look behind with tears in your eyes
    Smile because it happend
    And look beyond the sky

    Follow your heart beating
    Breath the fresh air of every winter
    Welcome lifes changing winds
    Let every summer sun warm your skin

    So please dont cry
    Every spirit is a drop of rain
    They will fall at different moments
    But sooner or later they'll return to the sky
    And at that time they'll become one

    sorry for some grammatical or spelling errors (corrections accepted Thanks!!)

  2. #2
    Regular Member Rukia's Avatar
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    OMG!!..it's so great JoRuDeNnA-san!..hontou ni sugoiii!..u'r so talented..i like ur poem!
    u showed a lot of beautiful imagries, and used great similes and metaphors!!..great job!
    but i guess u should work more on the rhyming scheme!..i mean, u started in the first stanza with abca, which was really good!..but in the second and third stanza u didn't follow any rhyming pattern!! how about trying abab cdcd, or aabb ccdd, or abba cddc and so on!..but if u wanted to make it blank verse, so just ignore what i said plz!!..oh!..and in the third stanza, what does "they" refer to?!..i mean in "But soon they will reach the sea"..u started the second line with "its" referring to the river, right?!..but then u wrote "they"!!..do u mean the souls or the river?!..gomen i hope that isn't confusing!
    it's a really good poem, JoRuDeNnA-san!..plz post more!

  3. #3
    Set me free Anchyyy's Avatar
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    i love your poem JoRuDeNnA. Especally that part with seeing the past with smile because it happened.

    I guess she meant a lot of small rivers flowing to the sea (which connects them) are like soul that are becoming one after death

  4. #4
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    Yes !! I do like that too. I could never have done that well in Spanish.

    I would agree with Ruika about the rhyming matter. Perhaps a little less use of the word 'and' in the last lines would be good too.

    There could be a pronoun problem in that 'it' .vs. 'they' in that 'each soul' leaves the idea as a singular, countable noun, and the word they--which was obviously intended to refer to the total of single souls is plural. Thus, before the word 'they' it may have been best to insert a specific plural noun to which 'they' could refer back to.

  5. #5
    ~*ガゼット*~孤独な夢みる JoRuDeNnA's Avatar
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    Hey thanks so much for all your comments and sugestions1!! hahah I guess I must try to make it rhyme.....Ill correct some of it and post it again...I have another poem somewhere in my messedup computer but Ill try to find it....thanks anyway I really appreciated it!!!!!!!!
    Anchyyy:
    I guess she meant a lot of small rivers flowing to the sea (which connects them) are like soul that are becoming one after death
    Thats exactly what I meant hahaha I guess the sentences sound kinda wierd??? hahaha but thats it thanks for explaning my point

  6. #6
    Set me free Anchyyy's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=JoRuDeNnAhahah I guess I must try to make it rhyme [/QUOTE]
    It's not like every good song should ryhme. You can write a beautiful, deep song without a ryhme too
    Quote Originally Posted by JoRuDeNnA
    Thats exactly what I meant hahaha I guess the sentences sound kinda wierd??? hahaha but thats it thanks for explaning my point
    They are not wierd And... Np!

    Beside that will you post more of your poems?

  7. #7
    Horizon Rider Kinsao's Avatar
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    I think it doesn't matter if it rhymes or not... it's a nice poem.
    Although maybe if you don't have rhyme, it's better not to have it in the first stanza, because it leads the reader to expect it...?...!

    Mistery is spelled 'mystery'. And happend is 'happened'. :)

    Third stanza, second line: it might make more sense to say "their directions constantly change", because you are talking about all the souls, aren't you?

    Fifth stanza, second line: 'breath' should be 'breathe'. Confusing, I know, but 'breath' is a noun and 'breathe' is a verb!

    Picky things, I know!

    It's good poem, I can clearly understand what you are trying to put across (I think!), and I like the calm and optimistic tone.

  8. #8
    ~*ガゼット*~孤独な夢みる JoRuDeNnA's Avatar
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    Mistery is spelled 'mystery'. And happend is 'happened'.

    Third stanza, second line: it might make more sense to say "their directions constantly change", because you are talking about all the souls, aren't you?

    Fifth stanza, second line: 'breath' should be 'breathe'. Confusing, I know, but 'breath' is a noun and 'breathe' is a verb!

    Picky things, I know!

    It's good poem, I can clearly understand what you are trying to put across (I think!), and I like the calm and optimistic tone.
    OMG I need to practice some spelling and grammar hahah thanks so much for the corrections as soon as I have time Ill correct it and later on Ill post other poems too.....its juts that I have a very very very important exam this thursday and my life really depends on it!!!

  9. #9
    Horizon Rider Kinsao's Avatar
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    Good luck in your exam!

  10. #10
    Gag me with a spoon
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    A little wordy.

    Dig the last stanza, though.
    ________________________________
    *shing*

  11. #11
    ~*ガゼット*~孤独な夢みる JoRuDeNnA's Avatar
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    yay I passed my exam!!!! Im so excited...it was pretty difficult and I had to study 4 subjects in three days (anatomy, embryology, biochemistry and microbiology )

    Well I was a little bit afraid on posting this poem, its kinda depressing because I was having some love problems but finally decided to post it so here it is
    The Saddest Night

    Im feeling so lonely
    Even if the room is full
    I need somebody to treat me right
    Someone that can bring me back to life

    My world is empty and cold
    My heart is freezing while my spirit dies
    Is there light beneath the darkness?
    Is there still hope for the lost souls?

    I used to believe in life and love
    Now there are only empty spaces and broken dreams
    Now I feel this is my last night on earth
    A night without stars, full of darkness and cruel lies

    This life without a single light in an endless tunnel
    A life with false smiles and silent tears
    When there are only suffocated voices and sorrow
    Its hard to find courage to hold on

    Cold winds are hurting my body
    Dark angels are painting my heart
    Loneliness is still flowing through my veins
    It seems the saddest night in a long time

    You have let me down too many times
    You promised me to be always by my side
    But those were nothing more than lies
    Being loved is now a wish from my past

    Love is supposed to give you life
    Instead, as a razorblade it cuts my heart
    Theres no mercy, no compassion, just pain
    And it is making me drown in sadness

    The love I though I could share with you
    Has now vanished in cold emptiness
    The happiness I though I could find
    Has now become uncertain feelings

    I needed you to hold me close to your heart
    To love me, to lead my way
    I needed you to keep me safe
    From the ghosts in my head

    This pain seems like an eternity
    My world is being flattered again and again
    My breath is weak, my heart is breaking
    And I will finally become to ashes.

  12. #12
    Set me free Anchyyy's Avatar
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    First congratulations on passing the exam!!

    The Saddest Night is beautiful. I love it! So deep and... i feel like that many times too. ''The love I though I could share with you, Has now vanished in cold emptiness'' that's my favourite line, dunno why but it is

    'My heart is freezing while my spirit dies' shouldn't it be ''My heart is freezing while my spirit is dieing'' Anyway I'm not sure about it.

  13. #13
    Horizon Rider Kinsao's Avatar
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    It's really sad!
    But it's a good poem, though! Very moving.

    Ah, regarding English, 'My heart is freezing while my spirit dies' is fine.
    'You promised me to be always by my side' -- might read better as just 'You promised to be always by my side'... just something about the rhythm, but the first way is OK, too.

    In the last stanza I think you mean 'flattened' - probably a typo.
    Also, it's correct to say 'become ashes' instead of 'become to ashes'.

    Hope that helps.

  14. #14
    ~*ガゼット*~孤独な夢みる JoRuDeNnA's Avatar
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    Yay thanks!!! here it is a changed it....I hope it sounds better this time I have others, but they are in spanish...maybe I can try to translate them but Im not quite sure if they will sound right, because that's the reason I wrote this ones in english.....thet sound better

    The Saddest Night
    Im feeling so lonely
    Even if the room is full
    I need somebody to treat me right
    Someone that can bring me back to life

    My world is empty and cold
    My heart is freezing while my spirit dies
    Is there light beneath the darkness?
    Is there still hope for the lost souls?

    I used to believe in life and love
    Now there are only empty spaces and broken dreams
    Now I feel this is my last night on earth
    A night without stars, full of darkness and cruel lies

    This life without a single light in an endless tunnel
    A life with false smiles and silent tears
    When there are only suffocated voices and sorrow
    Its hard to find courage to hold on

    Cold winds are hurting my body
    Dark angels are painting my heart
    Loneliness is still flowing through my veins
    It seems the saddest night in a long time

    You have let me down too many times
    You promised to be always by my side
    But those were nothing more than lies
    Being loved is now a wish from my past

    Love is supposed to give you life
    Instead, as a razorblade it cuts my heart
    Theres no mercy, no compassion, just pain
    And it is making me drown in sadness

    The love I though I could share with you
    Has now vanished in cold emptiness
    The happiness I though I could find
    Has now become uncertain feelings

    I needed you to hold me close to your heart
    To love me, to lead my way
    I needed you to keep me safe
    From the ghosts in my head

    This pain seems like an eternity
    My world is being flattened again and again
    My breath is weak, my heart is breaking
    And I will finally become ashes.

  15. #15
    The Great Mitsuo's Avatar
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    Wow Joru! you are very talented! Keep em coming, k?

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