Are parents to blame for the way their kid(s) turn out?

[elisakim]

Do you think the way your parents raise you, everything they do and don't do make you who you are now?

[jeisan]

i think parents are a good portion of it but friends also have alot of influence on kids growing up, and at points more so than parents. so how an induvidual chooses his/her friends plays a role in their development. though i tend to notice the more strict the parent, the more wild the kid.

[Ami]

I have very strict parents but i'm not at all wild.

[jeisan]

well wait until you get out on your own, and you're free to do all the things you cant now before you say that. i know its not true in all cases, and im not saying this will happen to you or every other kid from a strict family, but, well let me give an example. there was this guy i knew whose parents were extremely proctective and strict. the worst thing hed ever done as a teenager was to sneak nightmare on elm street movies into his house and watch them since his parents wouldnt allow anything rated R. upon his 18th birthday he went nuts, doing nearly every drug there was, having sex with whatever girl would let him, shaving a bullseye into his hair while it was dyed leopard style, smacking random people in wal-mart with a blow up punching bag thing with goofy's picture on it because they had refused to kiss it when he told them to, plus countless other obsurdities. he eventually got into trouble with the law and afterwards was in the navy til he got discharged, last i heard he lives somewhere in california. he had led a pretty sheltered life until the whole world came crashing down on him when his parents could no longer filter it out and tell him what to do.

[Ami]

O_O WOW! Thats really Wild! Well, i'll have control over myself and my parents let me watch R rated movies. Man o man I hope I don't turn out something similar to that! o-O

[lexico]

i think parents are a good portion of it...i tend to notice the more strict the parent, the more wild the kid.

Interesting observation which supports Freud's idea of superego and schizophrenic tendencies, which is normally absent in children raised without the domineering father or mother ? Although there are counterexamples such as Camus or Sartre, strict religious upbringing may have generated such great, unorthodox, rebelious thinkers as Marx, Freud himself, and others perhaps ?

[Revenant]

The problem with being strict with kids is that kids will want to do all those things they weren't able to. The idea, is to let them do as many things as they want, so long as it's safe. I will tell my son that it really his choice whether he has unprotected sex, but I will also tell him the dangers involved. I will let him drink when he wants to drink, in the confines of a safe environment. In fact, I will take him out drinking, and then the rebellion part of drinking, or the fascination with the forbidden , won't be as strong. I will show him what drugs can do, but tell him it's his choice. I won't be able to control him forever, so I might as well make him independent as soon as possible. I just hope that he doesn't do anything irrepairable, like get an incurable STD. But by letting him have that choice, he will no longer feel he needs to rebel so strongly is my idea.

[enix_fan]

If the parents spoil their kids they're gonna be...you know...but I definatley agree with Jeisan.

[Doc]

Yes I do believe parents really do effect a major portion of their kid's lives, and could be blamed for certain problems that can arise. Personally, I think that you should sit your kids down and talk to them about your concerns with them. Don't be strict, but don't be too casual like you don't care. Just talk with your kids and not force them into things.W hen they are put into a situation by their friends or peers(smoking, drinking, sex, etc.), they'll take your concern into consideration and more than likely don't do what their friends want them to do. Why? Because the kids know that you care about them, and don't want you do make any mistakes that could ruin your life. Too bad a lot of parents aren't like that anymore. Most either are too strict, or don't care.

Doc

[Silverbackman]

Yes, I very much believe parents have a big impact on their child. 90% of the criminals in jail did not have a good family life, no father, or the parents did not even care and help there kids in any way. Abuse can also lead to many undesired feelings.

[Index]

Interesting observation which supports Freud's idea of superego and schizophrenic tendencies, which is normally absent in children raised without the domineering father or mother ? Although there are counterexamples such as Camus or Sartre, strict religious upbringing may have generated such great, unorthodox, rebelious thinkers as Marx, Freud himself, and others perhaps ?

They say that Freud came up with a lot of his most creative and controversial ideas when he was coming down off morphine (which incidentally is one of the arguments that some philosophers of mind use to support the idea that drugs can be useful as a tool to induce altered states of consciousness which allow one to perceive problems from a different perspective). Was he partial to drug use because of his parents' parenting style?

[Maciamo]

Parents play a major role in a child's psychological development. It is said that the personality and intelligence develops in the first 3 (or 5?) years of life, a time when a child has most of his/her contact with his/her parents, in most cases.

So I'd say that parents play a crucial role in their children's future, but often as unconsciously as through how much affection they give the child and how much they talk to him/her, or as indirectly as through the music they listen to at home and the kind of toys they buy for the child. As most parents are not child psychologists, they can hardly be held totally responsible for the way they children evolve in these early years.

Afterwards, the moral and intellectual education is a much more obvious responsibility, although it is shared by the school teachers or other tutors in addition to the parents. That is why the choice of the school and careful analysis of the teachers, is indispensable for any good parents. Another serious parental responsibility is to choose a school that fits their child's needs. That means, a place where he/she will feel confortable (similar social class, no bullies...) and where the child (or teenager) will be able to study what they want, at the pace they want.

Consequently, if it may be difficult to hold all parents responsible for their child's early psychological evolution, I think it should be any children's right to have parents that assure them a good moral and intellectual education. The problem is that in today's society, even in the most advanced countries, it is impossible to condemn parents for being ignorant and incapable of giving their child(ren) a good education - let alone defining what is a good education !

[lexico]

They say that Freud came up with a lot of his most creative and controversial ideas when he was coming down off morphine.

As far as I remember, Freud is said to have been most productive when his father passed away. As a result of the dissolution of the conflict between the physical father and Freud's superego (the relaligned, internalized father which excercised authority over judgement), he was now free to go his own way, living out his version of father which was not fully possible given the obligations of filial respect required by his Jewish upbringing.

(which incidentally is one of the arguments that some philosophers of mind use to support the idea that drugs can be useful as a tool to induce altered states of consciousness which allow one to perceive problems from a different perspective). Was he partial to drug use because of his parents' parenting style?

Good point, although I was not aware of this particular relationship between his morphine treatment (necessitated by his oral cancer) and creativity. Admitting that mind altering substances can induce, foster, or trigger certain spurts of creativity, two additional points can be added to shed more objective light on the idea.

1) All foods and beverages are in themsleves mind altering. Buddhist scholars agree that Syakamuni's awakening came about on eating a bowl of yoghurt after months of fasting. The sudden rush of sugar, fat, salts, spices, water, and satiation all would have contributed to the overall stimulus to awake the mind to thitherto unknown idea of relativity and identity. Therefore I don't think the mind-altering effect is unique to "drugs" (alkaloids, barium, etc) per se. I hope you're not referring to my caffeine consumption, but are you ?

2) Although Freud might have taken advantage of his unavoidable administration of morphine by continuing in his creative thinking, it might be hard to argue that he actively sought out the alkaloid for that sole purpose. The heavily drugged state of mind can be likened to that of sleepy wakefulness or daydreaming. I would assume it would be highly difficult for one to grab a pen to record the inspiration of the moment under such a condition, although not entirely impossible. Perhaps future studies in the area of intoxication and wakefulness can find a way to unleash the creative mind without the averse side effects. Interesting idea, though.

[smoke]

Parents are the major influence in any childs young life...and any other influences tend to be what a childs parents allow them to be influenced by (what TV they watch, what books they read, what games they play and even possibly what friends they have).
So yes, i believe that you parents are responsible for the shape you take up until a certain point (I think the term 'blame' is a little harsh and is something that should be saved for unruly or troubled kids).
There is a point when a childs influences stretch past that of their parents. A 'coming of age' if you will. It's then when peers and the media, for example, start to have more influence on a kids life. But still the influence of one's parents should still be strong.

[Sensuikan San]

There is a point when a childs influences stretch past that of their parents. A 'coming of age' if you will. It's then when peers and the media, for example, start to have more influence on a kids life. But still the influence of one's parents should still be strong.

Excellent point!

You can't be in "control" for ever! (Although - you should never "control" your kids - it turns them into "controlling" people! Harsh guidance is a better way. Lots of reasoning, explanation, and threats of the darkest order .....! )

I firmly believe that it's how you relate to your children in the younger, 'formative' years, that sets the stage. They should at least be able to judge "right" from "wrong". But as you say - their peers do take over as a major influence! (It is a most frightening period! "Living on the edge" personified!)

We (The wife and I) got lucky!

�W����

[PRIZMATIC]

There is in the Buddhism such point of view - "small evil"(meaning severity in education of children) "the greater evil" is avoided(and examples when evolved "formed children" bring destructions during a life of those or other people - not a little).To this only I can add,that education of children is constantly varying "a stream of varios revelations" in which the person should follow true sense of occuring this or that moment - in it and education will consist...We are responsible for those whom it is generated in this world...

[Index]

I take issue with the title of this thread! Why would you say "blame"? Some parents would rather take "credit" for the way their children turn out. Alternatively would others take "responsibility", or absolve themselves of it?

[alBiNo_effEct]

My parents were basically nonexistant in my life. Maybe that is why I turned out a bit queer because of lack of parental supervision and restriction? I don't know, and I don't care. The best thing a parent can do is provide shelter, food, clothes, education, and solidarity.

[yakutatazu]

parents raise their kids in the most vital/critical years of the children's lives. I guess. And most of the rest of the upbringing and character building is done by them.

[Average_Psycho]

It's not necessarily how the parents raise their kids per se, but also in how they act around the kids. It's more likely that a child that is verbally and/or physically abused will grow up to be more verbally and physically agressive towards other people. Parents have to be difficult when raising thir kids and acting around their kids. There is a difference. Some may be able to see it, some may not.
My parents have affected the way I am, in a major way, and then other things/people have as well. When I was young, my sister died accidentally in our backyard, not long after, my parents began taking me to see therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists so the I may avoid depression. They may have stopped a major depression inbedding itself in me, but there is still some depression because of it. I am the only one in my family who is yet to fully recover from the repercussions of her death. I am glad my parents took immediate action in this, for I may not be here if they hadn't.
Moving along, parents take action for events that may later on affect their child/teenager/etc. in how they live their day-to-day life. If parents don't take any action, there will be no interaction between them and the child and can result in unwanted consequences. Parents that are too harsh on their kids are at risk as well of unwanted and unexpected consequences of their early on, or later set-in decisions.
Back to my main point (sorry, I can't make this flow very well ), if there are abusive parents that do not actually act like a parental figure, the child will have difficulties. In circumstances where parental interference/interaction/intervention is not very common, the child may have difficulties later on in their lives trying to live without understanding what they are supposed to do, because their parents didn't care to show them or weren't around to show them how to do things. Also in circumstances where parental interference/interaction/intervention is more dominant over the influences of other things, the child may grow up to be obsessive over something and even then may face difficulties.

In the way of friends and music and other things influencing the way a child is, it seems to be more dominant than parent influences in todays age. Sure, the child has grown up under the rules and expectations of those who have taken care of him/her since they were an infant. I can see how a parent would worry over their child and what they are doing because there are many dangers around that could alter their life. Friends may have positive or negative impacts on the kid, and sometimes the kid will lie to his/her parents so they aren't asked questions about what they've been doing, where were they, who they were with, etc.
Music can affect a child in the way they speak, behave and react to different things. I can delve further into defining/elaborating but my brain is mush from ranting about so many things recently. I might go into more detail at a later date, but that would almost bring the post off-topic. And we all know how much that isn't enjoyed.

[Jack]

if they have no involvement in the way they turn out, are they just a glorified babysitter? family and upbringing is always the cause of murderers.

[Yokan]

It matters who the person is, I think. Like I was brought up with my mum and dad till I was 8 (or 9 o_O) until my dad died of throat Cancer, then my mum just looked after me. However, I don't really think the way I am today was due to my upbringing, I think that is appart of my tastes and how friends have affected me. I'm nothign like my mum anyway. I used to be very like her tho, in tastes, then i learned the word 'independance'

y0kan

[Carlson]

No, and im proof of that.

My dad left before i was born.

My mom did drugs and drank alot along with her boyfriend

when i grew up there was no support and guidance.

Children know what is right and what is wrong. they have the right to choose what to do and to make things better. I grew up, many times not having food to eat while my mother had money for drugs. I was smart enough to watch and learn and when i was old enough at 16 i went to the court house and was legaly able to move out. My first 2 years of highschool i got an average GPA of around 2.0 and my last 2 years living on my own i got a 3.8 and 4.0. the effects of my "parents" growing up had alot to do with my emotional state, even today and with how i turned out. but in the end I choose my path and today am proud to say i have everything i want. a purpose in live, great job, money, a relationship, ect.

so unless there is something wrong with the child, mentaly.

if i was to let myself become another satistic under the enviroment i grew up in and the way my mother raised me i would be the punk teenager drinking and selling drugs.

[Nicky]

No.
My parents had three kids. Yet the only child that turned into a horrible person was my sister. She ignored every thing our parents taught us because she thought that her "friends" on the street were smarter and better and cooler, So whatever they told her became truth. And they told her things that were contrary to what we were taught at home.


Now she's 27, and the type of person who still won't take responsiblity for anything. A good example is that she didn't go to college. This was her own choice but now that she's 27 she somehow manages to convince herself that it was our parents fault for not "forcing" her.

[Sophialiu]

My parents are very strict with our sister, that's good for our pullulation.