Mediterraneans want to be liked, Northern Europeans prefer not to be disliked

[Maciamo]

Peter Colett in his book Foreign Bodies mentioned that English people, along with Northern German and Nordic people were more concerned about not being disliked than being liked, while people from Southern Europe tended to me more motivated by the pursuit of approval.

Let me explain this more clearly.

Considering that people can love, like, not care, not like or hate you, would you prefer having lots of people loving and liking but still a few people not liking or even hating you, or do you prefer having nobody or very few people having negative feeling toward you, even though few really love you ?

Here is a example of what Northern Europeans would find satisfactory (out of 100 people)

Like very much/love : 3
Like : 20
Neutral : 75
Dislike : 2
Hate : 0

Here is a example of what Southern Europeans would find satisfactory (out of 100 people)

Like very much/love : 20
Like : 40
Neutral : 10
Dislike : 20
Hate : 10

Southern Europeans wouldn't be satisfied by the first example, because not enough people really like them. Northern Europeans wouldn't be satisfied by the second example, because too many people dislike them.

I think that Japanese are very much like Northern Europeans (especially men).

Americans, mixed as they are, are certainly more like Southern Europeans in this case, which is an interesting contrast from English people.

I am not quite sure were Celtic people (Irish, Welsh, Scottish...) fit here, though. Probably more like Southern Europeans.

What about you ? (please specify where you are from and you background).

Personally, I fit exactly in the Northern European model. I prefer having just a few real friends, as many people to like me or at least accept me as possible, and avoid being disliked or disapproved. It makes me too uncomfortable to have to cope with people who I know hate or dislike me. I would prefer living with 99% of people having no positive or negative feeling toward me and the remaining 1% who like/love me, than a world where even 55% love me and 45% hate me. The latter is too insecure and disturbing emotionally.

 

[Satori]

I definitely fit into the same category as Southern Europeans. I would feel much more comfortable with the knowledge that I am disliked or even hated by a few people as long as most people like or love me. If I have a lot of positive support, I can usually deal with the negative more easily. Not everyone is going to like me, and that's something I have come to accept. But not having enough people like me would be difficult--for me, anyway. But then, I'm sort of a "pleaser" type, always seeking approval! Pretty pathetic ... :blush:

I'm from the U.S., and I guess my background is German, English, Scotch-Irish, Dutch, and a little Native American.

 

[mad pierrot]

Good question.

I'm from the States, and my heritage is Eastern European. Hmm... I guess I try not to piss anyone off, even to the point of going out of my way for it. But, on the other hand, I care more about the opinion of a select few than the rest of the world's.

 

[cicatriz esp]

I definitely fit the Northern European model. Having too many people like or love you is extremely annoying. I'd rather have most people neutral about me, but i dont really care if people hate me either, as long as it doesn't interfere with my ability to live life and earn money.

edit: incidentally Maciamo, i disagree with you about most Americans. All the men i know absolutely fit the Northern model, and several women too.

 

[Lina Inverse]

Personally, I fit excatly in the Northern European model. I prefer having just a few real friends, as many people to like me or at least accept me as possible, and avoid being disliked or disapproved. It makes me too uncomfortable to have to cope with people wo I know hate or dislike me. I would prefer living with 99% of people having no positive or negative feeling toward me and the remaing 1% who like/love me, than a world where even 55% love me and 45% hate me. The latter is too insecure and disturbing emotionally.

Yes, it's the same for me either, so I'd say the Northern European model fits nicely :haihai:
I certainly wouldn't mind people liking me, but dealing with people I know hate me would be uncomfortable.

 

[Legato]

I voted for northern type but I don't really know since I know very very few people, and even with those, although I know they like me very much I don't feel any attachment. However with people I see once in a while like at work or at school, I know they don't dislike me, that's why I chose the northern type, they don't dislike me in front of me but there is so much talking behind my back that I don't really know what they think, it doesn't matter since I stay neutral toward them...

 

[Duo]

I said don't know, cuz i'm not sure. I am from southern Europe and i like good company of people that I enjoy to hang out with and vice versa. But i have lived here in Northern Europe for quite sometime now, so I'd say I am a mix of the two. I rarely dislike people, usually I get along fine with everyone, but there are one or two ppl that sometime i don't really hit it off with.

 

[Winter]

It's a rare instance when I feel this way after reading something on a message board, but for this thread, for countless reasons other than just plain confusion, my only response can be "huh?"

 

[blessed]

I like to stay neutral in most peoples books... cause if I somehow make many friends, I just feel "stretched" between them... I prefer a few good ones, and everyone else not to really care.

 

[EscaFlowne]

I think I understand this somewhat....
I personally believe I fall into the Southern bracket. I more concerned wheteher I impress someone. And the fact that i'm not going to get someone's approval dosen't faze me much. I mean if you could get everyone's approval there wouldn't be a need to have this. WEll...I guess thats all right...Right?

:balloon:

 

[cross-platform]

Maybe it is because I am mostly Northern European, I dunno, but I picked northern. I am just happy if people don't hate me. You don't have to be my best friend, just don't hate me.

 

[TakaraNeko]

:balloon:
I'm from Australia...with a Southern European (Greek - mum's family) and Northern European (German [plus others but, primerily german] - dad's family) mixed background. Although being around my mum's family a lot during my childhood and growing up (not my dad's though)...with their southern european giant-do-everything-together-with-everyone 'familiness', I haven't seemed to go with their flow of things.
I'd have to say that I deffinately prefer avoiding being disliked....than trying to be liked.
So it's Northern European for me. :haihai:

 

[kirei_na_me]

I would definitely fall into the Northern European category. I would rather not have anyone hate me. Like cross-platform said, they don't have to be my best friend forever, but don't hate me.

 

[Maciamo]

Alright, I knew I should have used other words than Northern and Southern European. I hope you all understand that this is just an example, and I could just have said Japanese vs Italian, or Swedish vs Brazilian, instead of Northern European vs Southern European. I think the country's culture is more important, so in Duo's case, even as a Southern European, you come from a non-Latin country, so I am not sure in which category they fit.

Blood also has little to do with it ,I think. I wanted to know where you were from, to be able to find a trend in the country itslef(or state, for the US, as Texan, New Engalnder, Minesotan and Californian have quite different lifestyles and values, I think),
So, please, do not vote "Northern European" because you are, or because you have Northern European origins. That is not the point. Also refrain from mixing other elements like individualism, which have nothing to do with it.

 

[Elizabeth]

I guess I still don't get the connection between seeking approval or having a wide circle of friends and being hated/disliked, unless that sort of behavior naturally cloys at some people and you end up a vulnerable target for everyone else's insecurities. Although there are plenty of cases of course where that isn't the inevitable result.

At any rate, I suppose I'd also fit the Northern European type since while I can almost completely ignore being disliked, particularly if I know the reasons behind it, having only a handful of close friends and confidantes is much more satisfying and easier to keep happy. :relief:

 

[Satori]

I had a sneaking suspicion I wasn't maybe interpreting the instructions correctly!! Sorry about that!

For me, I try to look at this forum as an example, because it was once pointed out to me that interacting with people on a forum is really no different than dealing with people out in the everyday world. I know that every forum has its share of unruly or hateful people, but I have learned to ignore those kind of people, for the most part. What helps me to do so is the fact that I get along and enjoy the company of the rest of the members of the forum, and even form some close bonds now and then. As long as I have that, I can tolerate any of the members that are hateful towards me or my opinions, especially since they are few and far between. I simply ignore them, because everyone else means so much more to me and supports me.

Also, I guess I should say I am from California. Does that explain it any better?? :?

 

[Maciamo]

I guess I still don't get the connection between seeking approval or having a wide circle of friends and being hated/disliked

That's right. There isn't, and I didn't mention friends in my examples. Only being liked or disliked. It is not because someone likes you (very much) that they are necessarily your friends. The best example is stars or politicians, which can be liked or disliked by millions of people they have never met (and therefore cannot be their friends). The same is true of forums like here. Some people tend to seek approval, even if they have to create enemies, while other prefer avoiding at all cost being disliked, even if nobody or few people really like them. Anyway, we can't talk of "friends" here, as we don't know most people on the forum. The idea is : "when I post, do I instinctively try to avoid being criticized or disliked for what I say/write, or do I just express opinions so as to be applaused or liked just for the sake of it, which may also bring dislike or hatred from other people".

At any rate, I suppose I'd also fit the Northern European type since while I can almost completely ignore being disliked, particularly if I know the reasons behind it, having only a handful of close friends and confidantes is much more satisfying and easier to keep happy. :relief:

If you ignore being dislike, you fit in the Southern European model. Northern European care a lot about not being disliked. They feel so bad about being seen negatively, that they spend more time and energy trying to avoid being disliked, even if they end up not being much liked either.

I hope it's clearer.

 

[Satori]

The idea is : "when I post, do I instinctively try to avoid being criticized or disliked for what I say/write, or do I just express opinions so as to be applaused or liked just for the sake of it, which may also bring dislike or hatred from other people".

Hmm ... given the examples above, I don't really fit into either of those categories--at least, I don't think so. When I post, I merely give my most truthful opinion, and then let the chips fall where they may. I'm not necessarily thinking of whether others are going to approve or disapprove of what I have to say. (Unless I'm telling them I like their post or something.)

However, having said that, once someone responds to my opinions in a negative way, I tend to ignore their response, feeling that discussing anything with them further would not be fruitful. But if they are objective and simply want to discuss my opinions with me further in order to gain clarification, without trying to pick apart my opinions and getting personal and attacking me for even having those opinions, then I will discuss things further with that person.

I have to admit, I certainly like it when others agree with things I say, but I do not post based on that particular outcome. It's more of a happy surprise if it happens, that's all, and if it doesn't, that's fine too.

Of course, when it comes to creating threads, I try to post things people will enjoy, such as humor or something, so in that case, I might be thinking of how others will respond. But normally, I either create a topic that I think others might find interesting as well or that might lead to an interesting discussion, yet any opinions I give within that thread are simply how I may view things concerning that topic at the time and are not geared to seeking approval or disapproval with respect to my opinions. Sorry, does that make sense? Meaning, sometimes I might think of approval in terms of creating an interesting topic, but not necessarily in terms of giving my opinions within that topic.

So based on the two examples you provided, I don't think I fit into either of those two categories in terms of posting. Yet I still feel I probably belong in the Southern European group. Am I missing something or is that probably a correct assessment?

:?

 

[Dream Time]

I don't care whether people likes me or hates me

I do what I want to do,and say what I want to say
as long as the things I do and say do not hurt other people

when I post things on the forum, I just say what I want to say,
if someone disagrees with the things I say,and being objective,it is okay,I will be more than happy to discuss with them.
If someone responds with negatives remarks such as personal attacks,I tend to ignore them, I don't bother discussing with them.

 

[keyoghettson]

Haha... That's true...

It's better to want to be liked.

That creates a more positive vibe.